Jonnie Proskuneo

commitment to change

2010-01-08T11:41:00.002+08:00

i think the past few days has been good. with new visions and resolutions set for 2010. my prayer is that for the whole of 2010, the Holy Spirit will keep reminding me of the visions and resolutions that i have set, and i will keep reminding myself too, and keep to them. having the motivation now to change, so must start taking action before the fire dies down. must keep at it to keep the fire burning. you out there who're reading this, i grant you the permission to keep reminding me of the resolutions that i have set for 2010. if i laze or stray away from it, hit me and remind me. by 31 Dec 2010, i want to..

1) be a man of initiative, and not only just talk
2) be full of joy, that i can influence people around me to feel the joy as well
3) finish reading at least 6 books (aside from reading the Bible)
4) pray at least 30 mins daily + read Bible and meditate on the verses 30 mins daily
5) sleep early (before 12am) and wake up early (before 8am), but depends on working hours

yup basically the above. 3, 4 and 5 are very clear. in goal settings, must be clear, and best measureable. so to elaborate on point 1, i shall pack up my room/house, as a measure of it. point 2.. i haven thought of any way to measure yet. haha..

what a day..

2009-12-02T15:53:00.002+08:00

long time no blog. oh well, life's been.. quite the same? haha. today was quite happening. i have about 20+ ulcers in my mouth (ahh, i'm actually quite used to having ulcers already. not such a big deal anymore..). since this morning, my laptop crashed about 5 to 6 times, giving me the blue screen of death. just now when sending out sms, somehow my phone got cranky and sent 4 copies of the same sms to 10+ people. haha. weird day eh.

well, in a day when things keep going wrong, i decide to still do things right - by praising God! be thankful in all circumstances! though the laptop crashing makes me feel like taking a break from work, but i should still go back to work. hope my laptop is really ok.. *prays*

圣灵充满 Part II

2009-09-28T23:03:00.002+08:00

was reading up on the topic, googled the Internet, and came upon an e-book, by 王国显牧师, at here . read a bit of it, seems not bad, but i haven't read everything, so i dunno if the content has anything that is out of the Bible, or strayed from the Bible. i don't know much about the pastor, so if you go read the e-book, don't just take everything as written. well, we shouldn't take everything as we hear it or read anyway, other than the Bible, in its correct translation. but from what i've read so far, the content hasn't strayed from the Bible and its intended meaning.

as i read, and did some research on my own, it seems that the 和合本 translation isn't very complete in translating some of the meanings. well, i already knew this, but just got to know that 圣灵充满 was used during translation to mean two things: filled with the Holy Spirit and full of the Holy Spirit. this is mentioned in the e-book too. translated accurately, they should be 圣灵充满 and 满有圣灵 respectively.

in the 和合本, there are several verses which has the phrase 圣灵充满, of which some meaning filled with the Holy Spirit (filled, Greek word is plēthō) (Luke 1:15, 1:67; Acts 2:4, 4:8, 4:31, 9:17, 13:9, 13:52, Ephesians 5:18), and some others meaning full of the Holy Spirit (full, Greek word is plērēs) (Luke 4:1, Acts 6:3, 7:55, 11:24).

in all of the above verses, when the individuals or group of people were filled with the Spirit or full of the Spirit, there were no mention of any manifestation such as shaking, falling down, etc. one verse (Acts 2:4) mentions that those filled with the Holy Spirit spoke in tongues, but to say that speaking in tongues means filled with the Holy Spirit, doesn't make much sense to me. like the author of the e-book says, the instances where individuals or group of people were filled with or full of the Holy Spirit, is to empower them to do things to glorify God. in the words of the author, "简单的说，圣灵充满就是圣灵在人的身上显出他的管理和供应，彰显基督的能力和美丽。"

what the author says, and from the little research into the verses (yes, it is only very simple research on the surface of things), it all supports my thinking that those so-called manifestations are not 圣灵充满. a previous thought of constantly being 圣灵充满, in the Bible, is actually being full of the Holy Spirit, which means to live a life fully led by the Holy Spirit. filled with the Holy Spirit is different in the sense that it is like.. empowerment by God in a particular situation, and after the situation, the state of being Spirit-filled no longer remains. can go read the e-book for a clearer explanation of the terms.

thus, in conclusion, 现象 such as 被圣灵击倒, shaking, etc, is not 圣灵充满. i do believe it is manifestation of the power of the Holy Spirit, but not the equivalent of being filled with the Holy Spirit. until research into the manifestation of the power of the Holy Spirit, i am not sure what it does for the individuals who have such experiences, other than to edify them and to boost their faith. oh yeah, sometimes there are healings and stuff too. hmm.. to think of this, like how Peter and Paul, and also Jesus, proclaimed healing to the sick and to exorcise evil spirits, was there any mention of the Holy Spirit? Holy Spirit came to guide us, comfort us, etc. was there any verse that said Holy Spirit came to heal the sick and exorcise the evil spirits? from what i remember, is no. healing and exorcism is by the power of God and His authority right? not exactly the work of the Holy Spirit. woah, more and more questions to think about. haha.

圣灵充满

2009-09-22T14:36:00.003+08:00

hmm, the last Sunday, for MTS and Service, talked about 圣灵充满. i kept thinking about something, a lot. haha. what exactly does it mean to be 圣灵充满? the so-called manifestations, what are they a manifestation of? what 东威哥 said really set me thinking. Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit, but did He ever have such manifestations? Bible didn't say. well, if Bible didn't say, probably cos it's not recorded, but if it's not recorded, probably means, it never happened, or that it wasn't important at all to be recorded. and to note, it seems that neither of the apostles had such manifestations too.

it seems all too associated that now, people normally say that when someone has the manifestations, he is filled with the Holy Spirit. as i thought about it more and more, and as 东威哥 preached, it seemed to me that it is more and more not the case. ways to be 圣灵充满 never mentioned having others pray for you to be filled with the Holy Spirit. the ways are to worship, pray and read the Bible. how to know if you are filled with the Holy Spirit, none of the ways mentioned if you show any manifestations.

圣灵充满 should be followed with a positive change in the person right? so if someone who shows such manifestation, but afterward did not have any change, what does it mean? what did the manifestation do for the person? early in 东威哥's sermon, he asked if someone who 倒下去, is he 圣灵充满. many said yes and nobody said no. is it really like that? i'm starting to doubt. if so, why so many people 倒下去, but like so few have a change in their lives?

maybe now too early for me to make any conclusions. i want to do some research on this, and hopefully, with what i've learnt, can help correct any wrong mindsets we have on 圣灵充满. wow, i was so excited to do research and ponder over this question on Sunday. haha. i felt so much propelled to seek the Truth. must really get to it and not just think about it and say only. haha. must 突破!

test your hearing

2009-07-20T22:27:00.002+08:00

aye aye everyone! long time no blog eh. well, i've not been exactly good recently. some loss of hearing and the tinnitus in my left ear, and the terrible mouth ulcers i have at the back of my mouth.. man, it's bad. the ulcers are super bad. 3 of them, at the back of my mouth. those who've had experience of having one near the throat there will know how painful it is. when you drink, eat, even swallowing your own saliva, is very painful. and i got 3 of them!! pain until i cannot sleep properly. -_-

anyways, some of you may know by now, i've now got some hearing loss in my left ear. went to see specialist already. well, it probably will just be lost and not come back. and the tinnitus. oh, tinnitus is the high pitch ringing in the ear. only i can hear it. it's always there, can get pretty irritating. doc say i just have to learn to live with it, ignore it. oh well. what to do. it's due to live range shooting during my reservice. put in the earplugs already, but it didn't do me much help. hoping can claim compensation from SAF for the injury.

just now was feeling a little bored, so googled for hearing test. got one on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4G60hM1W_mk), you can go try. but from the comments by other people, maybe the high frequencies >13kHz not working well due to the limitations of quality of the sound. well, at least i found out that my right ear can hear up to 12kHz, but my left ear, totally lost it at 8kHz. did find another site which offers more professional hearing test (http://www.digital-recordings.com/). tried it too. results... my left ear really cannot make it. haha. quite a bit of hearing loss compared to my right ear starting from 3kHz. lol. have fun trying out to see how much you can hear. anyway, supposedly, humans can hear from 20Hz to 20kHz.

You Brought Me Home

2009-06-20T13:58:00.004+08:00

Hail to the King
Hillsong London

Your name oh Lord endures forever
Your fame oh Lord for all time
Your presence Lord Will leave me never
Your love oh Lord is all mine

To Him by wisdom made the heavens
And His mercy ever lasting
To the One who gives salvation
I lift up my soul to You

Jesus, Savior, holy Lord
I know that You’ll never forsake me or leave me alone
My Redeemer, Jesus Christ
You sacrificed Yourself on the cross to bring me home
You brought me home

Since is my birthday, share a song with you all. I like it a lot. Enjoy! God bless! :D

Happy Birthday!!

2009-06-19T12:55:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday to the June babies out there! Happy Birthday to Eunice, Chee Koon (wa, never contact in donkey years, but i still remember your birthday is on 11th June hor. doubt you'll see this anyway), Hanwei, Jiahui (the Chui family one), Yien, Michelle, Zhihao, Paul, Shuiting.. and of course.. MYSELF!! wahaha.. tomorrow is my birthday. belated birthday presents are accepted. heh. if you don't know what to get for me, very simple. give angbao lo. with cash inside hor. Singapore dollars only. bank transfers are also accepted. SMS me to ask for my bank account details. Alternatively, a 4-room flat in Pasir Ris can do as well (this is preferred. maybe someone can pool money together. each person if contribute $20, find about 15,000 people can le. wow, i don't even know that many people.. :P). another good present will be your prayers and blessings in the name of the Lord. ;D

anyway, next week got reservice for a week. cannot defer. oh well. go back meet old army friends. ok ok, gotta get back to work liao. busy busy busy..

Love and Marriage

2009-04-06T12:46:00.004+08:00

Love is a complicated thing. We think in terms of feelings. Hormones get the best of us. When the feelings, flee love vanishes. We respond by saying, “I don’t love her any more.” Love is a lot more than palpitating hearts and flushed faces. The Bible defines love in terms of God. “The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love” (1 John 4:8).

A further definition is helpful. “This is love, that we walk according to His commandments” (2 John 1:6). God’s commandments are ten. They circumscribe the loving righteous life. Jesus Christ is the supreme demonstration. He kept the whole law perfectly. We come full circle. “The whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Galatians 5:14).

Love respects parents. Love preserves life and wards off death. Love shuns affairs and is chaste. Love respects the property of others. Love values truth. Love is not greedy or lustful or jealous. This is concrete, objective, and measurable.

Young people with regular unmarried bed partners speak of making love. They fall far short of God. “Those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:21). By the grace of God, couples working on marriage in terms of truthfulness, respect, and fidelity live much closer to God’s standard.

A Marriage in Christ

2009-04-04T12:27:00.002+08:00

"There is nothing more lovely in life than the union of two people whose love for one another has grown through the years from a small acorn of passion to a great rooted tree. Surviving all vicissitudes, and rich with its manifold branches, every leaf holding its own significance." --Vita Sackville-West

In the Bible, we are told of the ultimate relationship between husband and wife; it is God's desire for husband and wife to no longer be two beings on separate paths, but be united as one flesh. ("For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." - Ephesians 5:31)

The word 'united' in this verse refers to being joined, as one, connected. The reason for this bonded state is quite simple and is explained in the following verse: "He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body." - Ephesians 5:28-29

We are also told husbands should love their wives in such a way that the female is built up and blessed by her husband's presence.

Think, for a moment, of the type of marital relationship that would result in a wife (bride) actually being edified by her husband (groom). Logically, there would have to be complete trust, mutual respect, kindness, caring, and obviously, a genuine love. A wife, who regards her spouse in this manner, has no problem placing her very life in the arms of her husband, for he will love his bride as he loves his own body.

While it is true these verses in Ephesians discuss the unique union of husband and wife, they, at the same time, are used to describe our relationship with Jesus Christ, who is often referred to in the Bible, as the "groom," with the body of Believer's or Church called the "bride."

How great a love Christ has for us! A love so strong that nothing can separate us from him. Just as husband and wife are joined as one, those who place their trust, their very life, in Christ's hands are members of his body. As Christ's bride, (those who believe in him) place the Groom (Jesus Christ, the Son of God) at the head of the Church, we, too, must place Christ at the forefront of our lives.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5

Choices

2009-03-24T18:58:00.000+08:00

A woman dies and is met at the gate of Heaven. She is given a choice of Heaven or Hell. Unable to decide, she is given the chance to sample both. She is also told that once she makes a choice, it cannot be changed..

First, she goes to hell. There she is met by friends and given a lobster dinner, dancing and partying all night long. She has a wonderful time there and is glad to be in good company.

A couple of days later she goes up to Heaven. There are harps playing, singing and a celebration there also but she decides she would rather be with her familiar friends instead of God and Jesus. So she is sent back down to hell.

When she arrives back in hell, all she finds is desert wasteland . Her friends are no longer partying and having a good time, they're picking up the trash of the wasteland. She asks them, "What happened? This is so much different from before."

"Simple," they reply, " the last time you were here, we were just recruiting you."

Application:

Like the woman in this story, we all get a choice, except that ours must be made on earth. We can choose to follow the crowd of people that do things they know are wrong, but seem so much fun, then go to a place where we are deprived of joy. Or we can follow Jesus with his love for us, and go to a place where love abounds. Jesus or Satan? Heaven or Hell? The choice is yours to make now while you are here on earth, for there is no choice once you leave it.

http://thewedding.sg/

2009-01-07T10:48:00.004+08:00

hi all readers! this is my 300th post! haha.. to commemorate my 300th post, i shall share a very good site with all of you! *my ex-classmates and schoolmates, think this site is good for you. cos i guess some of you probably will be getting married soon. lol.

check out thewedding.sg!! It's a new website by three of my friends in church, two of whom is very close to me de. heh. so do give your support ya? :)

God bless you!

i like this

2009-01-04T00:10:00.000+08:00

wow hey check this out man. check out the fingers. haha.

off to overseas again..

2008-12-01T22:56:00.002+08:00

flying off again tomorrow. going KL, malaysia. short trip this time. 3 days. hope i'll be ok. i'm feeling more and more sick. having a bad flu, and coughing too. my throat feels dry. i'm feeling very heaty. ughh.. hope i don't fall more sick. keep me in prayers man. i should go and sleep soon, hopefully will get better. man.. and the ulcers in my mouth are irritating.. =(

boardgames day.. success??

2008-11-27T01:30:00.002+08:00

ok bit slow to update. anyway, boardgames day is more or less a success? at least, i felt that most, if not, all the participants had fun and enjoyed themselves. thanks to help from NTU fastforward alumni and member (only one of them still student at NTU), and sponsorship of games from Pitstop Cafe, and also some of the games by Kelvin and Zhuguo ge. Think they enjoyed the finger food also. haha.. very thankful to Uncle Ruixiang's wife (i forgot her name. sorry)!! she helped us cook most of the food!! and she like spend a few hours there cooking lo, by herself. so thankful for her help!! and of course, lots of thanks to Kelvin who introduced many nice games, and hosted some of us at his house to try out the games. not forgetting someone who always came to try out the games even though the someone don't really like playing de, if not we always like too little people. thanks!!! heee.. very happy that the boardgames day went well ba. so happy to see them having fun and enjoying themselves. Praise God! it's definitely the work of God that things went well, from sponsorship of games to external assistance. Thank You Father!

just now went to mind cafe with my bro, weicong, ziting and dylan. played ticket to ride twice, once was the europe version de, and i won both times! hahaha.. lucky i got similar destination tickets. lol. anyway had fun just now. the last game we played was ugly doll or something like that. wah, ziting is good. she always win. lol. UGLYYYY!! UGLYYYY!! =X

update by request..

2008-11-21T00:09:00.002+08:00

ok, i shall blog something today, since someone has requested me to. haha.. i very give face one. lol. but.. err.. what to blog about leh.. hmm.. went to shenzhen last fri on pretty last minute notice to go conduct an audit. came back on tuesday evening. audit went quite smootly, thank God. heh. then as usual, cousin and wife went also ma, so standard procedure, go shopping and eat eat eat. hahaha.. if you happen to go overseas to china or where, and you see a restaurant called 小肥羊, you can go and try. beware though, there's an imitation of it lurking. lol. go for the one with green signboard de. got a cute lamb as the logo de. haha. it's good man! shiok ar. hahaha.. i love the 羊肉窜. nicee!

we took the flight to hk then take car to shenzhen, back also. so go hk airport there but 老婆饼. haha.. then we saw a elmo toy, veryy cutee de!! i didn't take video, but my bro did. really very cute. haha. but very ex, so didn't buy. haha.

hmm.. i understand many people have been pretty "concerned" about me recently. think ~~some people~~ everyone is like talking about me and a certain someone? lol. haiyo.. then keep suanning and making fun, very fun hor. haha.. but seriously, pls don't say until like two people are a couple when they're not. i think not very healthy leh. if people who don't know de hear liao, will think that the two people are already together or what, then later cause misunderstandings or what, not good ar. so, ya. privately suan me, ok lo. but when got a lot of people ar, pls control a bit hor. thanks ah. hehehe.. if really concerned, pray more for me can liao. haha..

anyway, this coming sat is the boardgames day liao. wa, time pass so quickly. hope everything runs smoothly and everyone enjoys themselves that day. heh.

i'm happy!

2008-11-10T00:38:00.002+08:00

ahahahah.. it's been a good weekend i guess. lol. an exciting and happy one. wahahahahah.. no need ask me what made me so happy. just know that i'm happy, and be happy for me. hehz.

ohh, zhijin and xiuzheng ge's birthday just passed. i didn't know the two of them got same birthday until a few days back. lol. oh man.. quite a few of my good friends' birthdays coming also.. wonder if got time to meet up with them. haha..

i'm happpppyyyyyy~~~~ woohoooo!!

been.. interesting the past few weeks.. lol

2008-11-08T10:25:00.002+08:00

hey hey i'm back to blog again. heh. wow, since the last i blogged, there's been some very interesting chain of events in my life. and good and happy things too i guess. wahahahha.. some things happened quite suddenly. lol. need time to pray about it. don't know what i talking about, no need to ask. i think you all will know in due time de. hahaha..

hmmm.. later meeting cuixian jie. seeking her counsel in something important. hehehe.. at night going shuilin's band concert. tmr got flag lesson again! woots. wa i want to faster master the beginner moves and move on to learn the intermediate ones. heh. flag for the Lord!!

i'm thinking of studying part-time next year. study theology. but i wonder bout the time commitments of work and other stuff. hmm.. must go think and pray about it.

oh oh, on the 22nd of this month, got a board games day at my church there. those interested can contact me ya. got many fun board games to play, just like at board games cafe, though the variety won't be as much, but we'll be getting the more fun and popular ones. heh. so come join in the fun!! :)

sick..

2008-10-17T11:18:00.002+08:00

ughh.. got very very sick yesterday. was pretty much confined to my bed for the whole day. had a fever, a splitting headache, and whole body is aching. felt super terrible. it started on wed night just before i was going to bed. suddenly just felt that my eyes very tired, like going to run a fever, and the headache started to set in. wah, couldn't sleep at all. was tossing and turning in bed for don't know how long, until i finally fell asleep. last night took my temperature, was 39.3. but thank God, this morning wake up, felt better le. at least no more headache, and fever came down to 37.8. body still bit aching though. wa, then yesterday whole day rest in bed, slept throughout the day, at night couldn't really fall asleep. lol. i wonder when was the last time i felt so sick.

thanks to all who showed concern and prayed for me, and my cell! couldn't make it to cell, cos felt really bad. they prayed for me, and this morning i was better! Thank God! and that weicong ah, every now and then ask me ok or not. haha.. now ok ok le la, no need see doc liao la. lol. but really appreciate your concern. hmm.. now.. maybe i should go get some more rest..

i still feel pretty lost

2008-10-13T23:21:00.002+08:00

hmm.. today like a bit more free.. finished my work earlier today, so i thought, come here blog a bit. heh. hmm.. these few days have been thinking quite a bit. uhh.. well actually i think a lot everyday. haha.. those who know me well will know. but these few days, thinking bout some particular stuff..

i kinda feel that i'm still quite lost, as in, i don't seem to have any direction in life anymore? i kinda lost it. somehow, i feel that i'm not myself anymore. i feel that i've changed. changed into someone different, someone very unfamiliar, so i say i feel that i'm not myself anymore. i don't really know what i'm doing everyday, other than just work, do the usual stuff. there's no purpose. i'm just living each day as it comes, and i don't like this at all. my world seems to have changed, somehow. it feels as though the real me is trapped in a world in the past, and it has gotten so far away i don't know how to find it back. i think it's quite bad, that i feel pretty dead most of the time, living without a purpose. but then, i don't really feel depressed or what. kinda feel emotionless sometimes. i think i've really lost myself somewhere, but i don't know how to find myself back. haha.. sounds confusing eh. the world that defined me, tumbled down on me? yeah i think that pretty much describes what happened in my life ba. haha.. so now that the world that defined me is gone, the me that i know kinda went along with it. somehow it feels that the people who were once so so so important to me, are gone too. the few, seems to have all gone?

i really don't know why am i doing the things i'm doing everyday. what am i working for? my working life seems very dead. i can't seem to inject any life or motivation in it. i'm just working for the sake of working, to earn a living. sometimes i wonder if it's my own problem, or i just don't like the job i have. would it be better for me to get a 9-5 job, sit in my cubicle in my office, mix around with colleagues and stuff, like a normal office employee?

but in the current world i'm in, though i feel that those i held dearly to have sort of distanced away with my world, i've gained deeper relationships with some brothers and sisters, especially with a brother of mine. he's always been an important brother of mine, but i guess in the past i didn't really spend much time with him. i thank God for this brother. and i guess, in many ways he's like me too. hahahaha.. don't know if it's a good or bad thing. lol. i just hope he doesn't have to go down the painful paths i took, though.. i think.. he probably will. lol. i hope i can be there to guide him though. and in the past few months, he's always been the one sensitive to my emotions, and cared enough to ask if i'm ok and tries to comfort me. thanks bro. studies not going as well as you had hoped is ok, as long as you tried your best. just continue to work hard ya! got another brother also, through the rough patch i went through that i realized cares so much for me too. heh. he just enlisted into army, but i'm confident that he'll get through ns without much problems.

hmm.. i think i really need to spend much more time praying, that i'll find myself back. i need to find my world back. haha.. ok, maybe find is not the word. probably rebuild is more suited. i need to find back my purpose!

back in SG..

2008-10-06T00:50:00.002+08:00

yeah i'm back in SG, since Wednesday actually, but lazy to blog. guess i'll blog a little before i go to sleep. hmm.. the trip was.. ok... pretty stressful... but somehow i managed to get through everything, as in the work. Thank God. but the two weeks there wasn't really so good? felt pretty dry spiritually. first week was basically super busy, trying to figure out what to do also. after that was still ok. though still got read the bible everyday, but spent much less time praying, and i just felt so drifted away from God. man it just doesn't feel good at all. and the last few days there, dunno why, suddenly started thinking about some things, and about someone again. was it cos i felt pretty lonely? or what? i dunno too. but the last few days there i felt pretty bad inside. emotionally. i guess, as much as i'm doing everything i can do try to put things down, i still needs lots more time.. haiz.. i wonder how long i have to take man.. am i going to take a couple of years again, like how it always used to be? hope not.. well, i just have to focus on God. no matter how long i take, or how things will turn out, i just wanna believe that God has everything planned out. and yeah i strongly believe in that. whether someone will come along, for me to wait a few years, whatever. no point thinking so much bout it also. haha.. but easier said than done eh.. =X

well back to the trip. ShenZhen don't really have anything nice to see or what. went to a church to get some bibles. well the bibles there are really cheap. heh. think next time i go, i wanna get more bibles. haha.. can give to pple as presents. :)

but since i got back in SG, things have got better, as in emotionally. met up with some good old friends for dinner on wed when i came back, met some of them for lunch on fri, and went for supper with them yesterday. so nice to hang out with them again. must grab the opportunities to hang out with them more. heh. they're still friends that are so dear to me!! and yesterday, led worship for the evening seminar by Pastor Ime. pretty last min, but i felt that it turned out great. felt the presence of the Lord very strongly. haha.. God is great!!!

looking forward to meeting up with my friends again! heh. KTV and dinner next sat!! woohoo!!

flying off again

2008-09-17T01:37:00.003+08:00

going shenzhen again. this time for two weeks. man. i think it's gonna be a loooong two weeks. haha.. so many things to do there. ughh.. just hope i manage to do everything well and right. God guide me ya. heeh.

flying off in another.. 6.5 hours time. man! i got less than 3 hours to sleep! k time to go sleep. will update again when.. i'm free over at china.

oh, keep me in prayers ya? that i can complete the work i need to do there, professionally and good. hope i can learn a lot there (i think i definitely will), won't fall sick there, luggage won't get lost at airport, nobody pickpocket me (and my bro) there. hope i won't get tooo busy there too. thanks. see ya guys back in singapore in two weeks.

God bless. all those studying for exams, work hard ya!! esp qiqin, eunice and shuiting!! :)

wa i feel terrible..

2008-09-12T13:49:00.002+08:00

ughh.. feeling very bad now. last night, tried to tuck myself in bed early at 11+, but couldn't get to sleep. felt more and more nauseous and wanted to puke. so was turning about in my bed till 2+, then cannot tahan liao, went toilet to vomit. ughh.. wa feels damn worse man. vomited twice.. felt much better after vomitting.. thank God i was still able to get some sleep after that. then i was feeling so cold, then i got no blanket, had to use my cardigan as blanket, then halfway through the night, suddenly feel very warm and hot. UGHHHH...

woke up at.. 10+? wa, feeling damn drowsy and lethargic.. head a bit spinning.. start reading bible, but still feel very bad, so went back to sleep. now still feeling very worse.. man.. how to work like that.. i feel that my brain is super slow now.. my eyes so tired, head very heavy, stomach feels weird.. AHHHH!!! just feel like lying on my bed to rest. hai... but still got work to do.. how sia..

next week flying off to China again. gone for two weeks. man.. not exactly looking forward.. think gonna be quite stressful.. but i think after the two weeks, maybe can relax a bit.. lol..

spiritual attacks..?

2008-09-05T12:06:00.002+08:00

it seems.. when i'm about to be leading worship for Sunday services, something has to happen. so many times. falling sick, emotional trauma, last minute things that arise that may affect worship prac or stuff.. and it has to happen during the few days when i'm about to lead worship. man.. this is.. very mentally exhausting.. are these attacks from the evil one or what? haiz...

i'm really trying to do my best for You Lord.. i just want to believe that every bad thing will come to pass, that You will set things straight again.. i just hope to do what i can, and leave the rest to You. but i'm struggling Lord.. my mind is weak... i'm unable to ignore the emotions or feelings i have.. please heal me Lord. as much as i try to put the past behind, the pain is still lingering, the wounds are still open.. fill me with Your love again Lord. change the way i think, to think of You only. help me Father...

:(

Pray 5!

2008-08-30T22:12:00.002+08:00

ok, for those who don't know what Pray 5 is, it's the youth combined cell prayer meeting. today's was great i think. haha.. was one of the musicians on stage. it's not easy for musicians on stage to really receive the anointing and such, cos we'd have to pay attention to the worship leader, play carefully so as not to play wrong and stuff. yeah i believe we still do, just that it won't be as much as the congregation. but it's great to be able to serve, and seeing the work of the Lord in the midst of the worship. hallelujah! from the sharing of brothers and sisters, they really felt the presence of the Lord, and experienced the touching of His love! haha.. and you know what? today i'm not the worship leader, not the vocalist, not the drummer! (ya i'm on those 3 in worship team, but stepping down from drums. heh) i'm not the guitarist too!! (ya i do know how to play the guitar. a bit la.) i'm the bassist!!! (err.. actually i haven't learnt much bout playing bass guitar... other than watch a intro video? lol) but it was so nice. not that i played nice, in fact, i made so many mistakes. hahaha.. but i really enjoyed the whole process! the worship and stuff. being able to serve on a new instrument!! so exciting!! hahaha.. i'm starting to like playing bass guitar man. lols. ahh.. i should just master my guitar first. lols. but ya, so thankful for the opportunity today. wa, if i go learn to play piano/keyboard, then i can play all the instruments le!! like my bro!! and zhenling!! wahahahha.. ehh.. but currently no interest in piano/keyboard. haha.. =X

anyway, now there's sort of a table tennis craze going on in church. lol. thanks to LJW and team and olympics. haha.. last time also like that, cos of some big table tennis event, then got the craze. so today, played table tennis with my bro, zhenling n chek. after that, jiayi came also, but i had to go for worship prac. woah, very long no play, forget all the strokes and stuff. lol. but very fun. haha..

just now after dinner with cell (i transferred over to the young adults cell liao), no where to go, so came home. haha.. surprisingly, i felt like doing work, so worked on the documentation i was doing on. and completed most of what i had to do for this week! wahhaha.. feels so good. though didn't go out and chill with bros or what, but very satisfied that i completed some work. heh.

so, in all. today's a great day! :D

oh, and i can't wait for tomorrow. i invited a friend to church. so excited!! hahaha.. i hope he can stay on in church. heeh. i pray that the Spirit of God will touch his heart! Hallelujah!!

Happy Birthday Bro!

2008-08-28T21:02:00.002+08:00

today's my bro's birthday! ya my real bro. haha. actually today's my another friend's birthday too - xiongwei. haven't seen him in a super long time. haven't seen my bro for a long time too. since monday! haha.. guess he must be having a good time at genting and KL. lol. thank God for putting such a great brother in my life. the both of us are similar in many ways, especially character. haha.. i guess, both inherit from dad one. lol. and in that, i think he really understands me, and he's gone through more things than me. i guess, in a way ah, what he sees me go through, basically just similar to what he went through lo. haha.. so he always can relate to what i go through, and encourage me. thanks bro! let's work hard together ya! heeh. :D

different ways of worship

2008-08-25T15:05:00.002+08:00

i've been wanting to learn more ways of worship, like using flags, sign language, maybe tambourines too. haha.. it's been something in my heart for a very long time. yesterday, asked michelle to teach me how to flag, as she's teaching weicong also. haha.. last time i got learn a bit la. that time, dance team having test or something, so they were all practicing, then i sit one side, observing, then try to pick up on my own. lols. yesterday then really started to learn ba. though is impromptu de. haha. but i like using flags to worship. the meaning behind the moves are very interesting. somehow it brings me deeper into knowing God. how we execute the moves, all like got meaning de. haha.. so yesterday i learnt half shield, full shield, side shield, back shield and honour. very cool. though practice until my fingers there quite pain. now still quite painful. haha.. but i really wanna learn, and use it to worship God!! and thanks michelle for teaching me!! she say i learn very fast wor. though my left hand really quite jialat. haha.. need a lot more practice. heeh.

anyway, i've transferred to the young adults cell. many reasons how this change came about. haha.. but i guess it's good. for me, for the people around me. going to go into more different ways of service to the kingdom of God. i guess, some may think that i'm changing cell because of a particular something. well that was what made me first think bout it, but it never was the main reason. i wonder if i should explain to some about this, but i guess, there's no need to. why try so hard to explain everything? am i just trying to please the people around me, that they can accept me again? i think i've been trying too hard to please everyone around me, too afraid to offend people, too afraid of misunderstandings. i should be living for God more than for anyone or anything else. of course, misunderstandings should always be cleared up, but timing is important too.

i guess this is good for us. i'm not sure if the misunderstanding has been cleared up, but at this time, i think it wouldn't be appropriate for me to approach you and try to clear things up. it might just worsen things if i try too hard to prove my innocence. it isn't anyone's fault, just misunderstanding, assuming the wrong things. maybe i misunderstood you too. now, i should just leave you alone. this probably is what you wish now too. i was probably too anxious trying to be reconciled, and in that, made you feel worse, without even my knowing it. sorry. i just wish the best for you. :)

something to be happy about

2008-08-20T17:02:00.002+08:00

hmm.. you know, sometimes when i go online on msn, then i go see who's online and stuff, seeing others' nicks can be quite interesting. some will say if they are happy, sad, stressed, etc. what strikes me the most is when some of them put something like, "Thank You Lord". cause when i first knew them, they were not Christians! hahaha.. and i feel so happy for them and for God. it's like a reunion of Father and son, family getting back together. heeh. i remember last time when i was in NTU, in Campus Crusade for Christ, got a newsletter, then got fellow students sharing testimony. to my amazement, one of those featured students was one of my classmates during secondary school! hahaha.. i was so happy. and those friends who i see from their msn nick that they've come to know Christ, really makes me so happy. so glad to know, they have friends around them spreading the gospel to them! i must do my part in the gospel revolution!! wahahha.. yeah, and i'm starting to take steps bit by bit le. first will be my aunt's family and my closest friends.. heh. trying to invite them to church.. though got rejected a few times le, but i won't give up! must keep trying, and spend more time with them. heh. :D

why i keep creating problems leh???

2008-08-20T15:10:00.002+08:00

haiz. i don't know why, things keep getting wrong. for some inexistent reason, i was misunderstood. am i such a scheming person to you, that you thought such of me? and as if just myself being misunderstood wasn't enough, i dragged a friend into it. a most innocent party, to be misunderstood too. what i hate is this lo, that bacause of me, i 连累 others who had nothing to do with anything. this time i seriously don't know what have i done wrong. or have i done anything wrong. i guess it's just purely a misunderstanding. i'd really want to clarify things, but i guess, anything i say now, anything i do now, probably is just going to piss you off. why and how did things come to this man?

and to the friend who i dragged into the misunderstanding, i'm really so so so so so so so sorry! though you said you're ok, told me not to worry about you, but i know deep inside, you're feeling very hurt. i know. the feeling of being misunderstood, being wronged. i really want to set things straight. i want to clear up the misunderstanding for you, cos i was the one who caused it. even if it meant having a greater misunderstanding for me, i guess as long as it helps clear the misunderstanding on you, it'd be worth it. but i also don't know how. hmm.. and it seems anything i do may just cause more misunderstandings, so maybe it'll be better for me just not to do anything? i guess i can just only pray hard ba. but i hope you won't hold it against her. she's really going through a very bad patch.. she's probably too emotionally affected to think through and clarify things? maybe she's just afraid that if the truth is not what she hopes it'd be, that's why she didn't confront? from what i know bout her, she isn't someone who likes to confront.. i know you are going through a rough patch too. it is too, for me. i just pray we all can have the strength to tide through all of this ba. i'm seeing some breakthroughs in my life, and i pray for such in yours and hers too. God bless all of us. :)

Joseph..

2008-08-15T22:14:00.002+08:00

the man who was going to inherit his father's wealth(and i would say is quite a lot? haha..), who was sold into slavery by his brothers, wrongly accused by his master's wife, thrown into prison.. the author of the bait of satan gives us an inkling of what could have gone through his mind while he was in prison. i say again, could have. and mind you, the prison he was in is nothing like the prisons we have now. the prisons of now are like country clubs compared to the one Joseph was in.

It seems the more I try to do what is right, the worse it gets! How could God allow this? Could my brothers steal my promise from God, too? Why hasn't this mighty, covenant God intervened on my behalf? Is this how a loving, faithful God cares for His servants? Why me? What have I done to deserve this? I only believed I'd heard from God.

i wonder how does it really feel like to be in Joseph's situation. he'd dreamed of greatness, but the more he did what was right, the further the fulfilment of the dream became. if you don't know the story of Joseph, read the bible, Genesis 37-48. i guess what i'm going through is just a tiny bit of what he went through. haha.. yet Joseph continued to do what is right, and eventually, the dream was fulfilled. i also believed i'd heard from God. but, things just seem to be getting further. have i heard wrongly? but i believe i didn't. but what if i really did hear wrongly? holding on so strongly to something God did not tell me, that's foolish! but somehow, i still believe i didn't hear wrongly. it still resonates within me? haha.. oh well, actually it doesn't really matter at the moment. i just have to do what i have to do, and leave everything to God. heh.

and now for the phrase of the day. ok. sentence. lol. also from the bait of satan.

"Unconditional love gives others the right to hurt us."

the parable's lesson..

2008-08-14T22:08:00.002+08:00

sorry to have kept you all waiting for the answer to the parable, what the author is wanting to say. the author was talking bout people changing churches, bout how some keep changing churches, cos they always run into problems with the church they attend. so what really is the problem? sometimes it is the attitude of the person him/herself. so no matter where he/she goes, with a critical attitude, he/she always finds problems. another thing is, when we are offended by the previous church we go to. the author says, "When we retain an offense in our hearts, we filter everything through it." the way we leave church, is the way we enter another. so if we leave with a bitter heart, we enter into another church with that bitterness.

many times, we hear of people leaving church, changing church, cos they are hurt by their previous church. they left, but without resolving the issues that caused them to leave. if we're unable to leave with a peaceful heart, then it probably means that we should not leave yet, cos there are things not settled yet. this not only applies to attending church. it can apply to our jobs, our relationships too. if you're not at peace at leaving your church, your job, a relationship, could it be that there is something you have not resolved, or you are not sure yet? i believe very strongly that in whatever we do, peace is very important. it's something like an acknowledgement from the Holy Spirit, who also works through our conscience. if we feel bad about doing something, feel guilty about something we did, we probably did the wrong thing. if someone does the wrong things, yet don't feel any guilt, hmmm.. then i think that person is quite hopeless. his spirit is dead and dead. but what do we do with the feelings of guilt? it's telling us to go and correct the wrong we have done. stop doing the wrong things, and start doing the right things, or to remedy whatever wrong you did. like, when we tell a lie, we sin, and we don't feel good bout telling the lie. what to do then? first, we gotta stop telling the lie, and then tell those you lied that you lied to them and are in the wrong. those who love you, will forgive you. that's how it is with Jesus! and He forgives everytime, cos He loves us so so so much. :)

woah, ok, i kinda strayed pretty far away from the parable. lol. but i just wanted to share this out. man, these few days have been hard. very hard. remember the post i had on the Refiner's fire? man, it's really burning. and, like the author, for the first time in my life, i felt so much anger in me a couple of days back. i felt like i could kill a person. so much anger. i was offended. very much offended. it's the closest who can hurt the most, like how King David portrays in Psalms 55:12-14, "For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; then I could bear it. Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me; then I could hide from him. But it was you, a man my equal, my companion and my acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked to the house of God in the throng." i felt so offended. never have i felt such intense anger, bitterness, disappointment, hurt, unforgiveness. but really, do i have the right to be angry? do i have the right to bear grudge? i don't. i don't have the right to. who are they to have to think how i will feel? they are not obligated to do so right? so what rights do i have to demand such from them? even if i had the rights to be offended, can i? Jesus had all rights to be offended right? betrayed by His closest friends, His own disciples, almost everyone forsaked Him at His hour of need. but Jesus wasn't offended. He forgave them, just as He forgave me. He forgave me so much, and He forgave them too, so what am i not to forgive? if i don't, i'll be like the unmerciful servant, who, being forgiven of a debt of ten thousand talents(millions of dollars), refused to forgive another's debt of a hundred denarii(a few dollars). [Matthew 18:21-35] i don't want any unforgiveness to come between me and God, or anyone. i want to learn to love unconditionally, like Jesus. agape love.

Lord, as the unpure gold is thrown into the fire, so is my life. The impurities are showing up. I don't want to remain angry. I see this dross of sin as what it is, and I repent. Forgive me Lord, for harbouring any bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, even if it is only for a second. Take Your ladle and remove the impurities in my life. Teach me to love like You do. Teach me agape love. Thank You Father. And I'm so thankful and grateful for those who cared for me, who love me, encourage me. And there are so many. May You bless them greatly Lord, in everything they do, in their spiritual walk with You. I thank You for these brothers and sisters who have been a blessing to me.

I thank You for my brother, who really understands what I am going through, and giving me advice; my mum, though did not say much, and probably didn't know how to console me, but I know how much she loves me; lingling, who always stood by me and is always there to listen and pray for me, who has helped me so so so so so much; cuixian jie, who is like a mother to me, always trying to cheer me up and help me even though she is so busy; pastor, who i guess really knows my character well, and willing to take time to talk to me; zhuguo ge, who trusts in me so much, accepts me for who I am, sharing his thoughts and experiences with me, edifying me; chek, who's a true brother, willing to be there, comfort me, console me; jinhao, who's always so concerned about me; keith and jasmyn, for being there, listening to me, cheering me up; weicong, who believes in me, that I can definitely go through this, and encouraging me; qiqin, who's willing to pray for me, encourage me, and believing in me too, even when I did not tell her what happened; eunice, who shown care and concern for me even though she hasn't even met me before, don't know me well; iris, who encouraged me and reminded me of Your provision in times of trials; michelle, who probably is worried bout me seeing me the way I am, but probably don't know how to help me. Lord, I thank You so much for all of them, and much more. Those who are silently praying for me. Lord I know they love me so much, and wish to see me stand up once again. From You, and from them I draw strength. I know I can do it, by Your grace, Your love, and their love. Thank You Father, for placing such wonderful people in my life. What more can I ask for? I'm such a blessed man! Forgive me for holding on to the wrong things, forgetting the blessings You have showered on me. Thank You. You are so good. Your love is just so marvellous and so wonderful! THANK YOU JESUS!!

Abba Father...

2008-08-11T17:21:00.002+08:00

Lord, I know that You will not give me something beyond my capability. You will not give me something more than I can bear. I'm so confused. I'm so lost. I'm so tired. SO SO TIRED! I'm so drained of every ounce of mental strength! But still, You saw that I can still take it? You see me as so great? To be able to bear all of this!? Is it that You want to use me, that You're breaking me like this?? To such extents!?!? Yes Lord, I really want to live my life for You, do Your will, but all of this is too much??? I'm on the nerve of breaking down Lord!! Won't You take this away from me!?!?!?!

But Lord, let Your will be done, not my will. If You think I can bear this, then I believe I can. If you think I can withstand all this, and even more, then I believe I can. If You wish to tear me down totally, and rebuild everything, that I may be able to glorify You, though how painful it may be, Your will be done. If this is what it takes to follow Jesus, give me the strength, determination and perseverance to continue on. Lord, just don't ever let me leave You or stray away from You or Your Word. Hold me so closely and tightly to You, like the belt to the waist. If this is to help me understand what Jesus went through, betrayal by His closest, abandonment by all, then I will go through it. Keep my heart from evil or my own sinful desires. If You think I can, then I can! Let this not just be a prayer, or words from my mouth, but resonating deep inside me, believing in Your every promise. Thank You Jesus.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

2008-08-11T17:08:00.001+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GOD SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

living dead..

2008-08-11T16:06:00.002+08:00

i thought such things happens in tv serials, in movies.. never would i thought that one day, it will happen to me.. the feeling of being betrayed? by someone i trusted so much. by those i hold dearest to? why did it have to be like this? and to think, i'm the idiot who didn't know anything again.. the idiot who was ignorant of the truth.. i suddenly, don't know what to feel anymore? what am i going to do now? i thought, is it possible things get worse? hell yeah it did. worse than i can imagine..

Lord, help me. I know You are the only One who can help me. Help me not to take offense, no matter how hurting, or how painful it is. Teach me to forgive as You forgiven me. I'm at my end. It's just You now. So, take over my life won't You? This wretched life? Teach me to live by Your grace. the life Jesus gave His life for, guide me to live in it. help me to trust in You. give me strength to endure. let not my mind go insane. thank You.. In Jesus' mighty name i pray. Amen.

Praise and glory be to GOD!!

2008-08-07T13:34:00.003+08:00

woohoo!!! so excited!! so happy!! ziting sent an sms, and told me that her cancer cells are all cleared! gone! GONE!! woohoo!!! GOD IS GOOD!! GREAT IS OUR GOD!! GOD is our HEALER!!

wow i'm just so happy! i don't know why man. just so exhilarated! this calls for a celebration! a celebration of God's works! of God's grace! of God's healing!! Hallelujah!!!

an old parable..

2008-08-02T01:15:00.002+08:00

here's an old parable. the book Bait of Satan says it's an old parable. haha..

Back in the days when the settlers were moving to the West, a wise man stood on a hill outside a new Western town. As the settlers came from the East, the wise man was the first person they met before coming to the settlement. They asked eagerly what the people of the town were like.

He answered them with a question: "What were the people like in the town you just left?"

Some said, "The town we came from was wicked. The people were rude gossips who took advantage of innocent people. It was filled with thieves and liars."

The wise man answered, "This town is the same as the one you left."

They thanked the man for saving them from the trouble they had just come out of. They then moved on further west.

Then another group of settlers arrived and asked the same question: "What is this town like?"

The wise man asked again, "What was the town like where you came from?"

These responded, "It was wonderful! We had dear friends. Everyone looked out for the others' interest. There was never any lack because all cared for one another. If someone had a big project, the entire community gathered to help. It was a hard decision to leave, but we felt compelled to make way for future generations by going west as pioneers."

The wise old man said to them exactly what he had said to the other group: "This town is the same as the one you left."

These people responded with joy, "Let's settle here!"

What lesson do you think the author is trying to bring out in this parable? haha.. think about it. you can ask me if you want to know the answer, or want to discuss bout it. :)

am i able to help..?

2008-07-31T22:40:00.004+08:00

read some blogs.. it seems some pple around me aren't doing too well? hmm.. i ain't doing too well myself too, but they are pple who are close to me, who are important to me, and i really wish that i'll be able to help them. but, how am i going to help them when, i myself can't even help myself? i guess i must really be strong. i shall always remind myself from now, that i'll be strong. so that i can help others. help those who i hold dear to. always be there for them. yeah i'll be strong. and i have to get strong fast, get up fast.

be strong my dear brother and sister. i'll be your mentor if you need one. ehh.. but just wait a bit ya? i'll find a way to get up real soon..

Refiner's fire...

2008-07-30T22:05:00.002+08:00

reading the book, Bait of Satan, by John Bevere.. in the first chapter, the author relates..

There was a time in my life when I went through intense trials such as I had never faced before. I became rude and harsh with those closest to me. My family and friends began to avoid me.

I cried out to the Lord, "Where is all this anger coming from? It wasn't here before!"

The Lord responded, "Son, it is when they liquefy gold in fire that the impurities show up." He then asked a question that changed my life. "Can you see the impurities in gold before it is put in the fire?"

"No," I answered.

"But that doesn't mean they were not there," He said. "When the fire of trials hit you, these impurities surfaced. Though hidden to you , they were always visible to Me. So now you have a choice that will determine your future. You can remain angry, blaming your wife, friends, pastor, and the people you work with, or you can see this dross of sin for what it is and repent, receive forgiveness, and I will take My ladle and remove these impurities from your life."

i guess.. the fire of trials is hitting me? so many things that i didn't know was there in my life surfaced? so many things.. so many ugly things..

Lord, will You please take Your ladle and remove the impurities from my life? I don't want to stay on like this. Renew me Lord, by Your grace given to me upon the Cross. Transform me by Your love. Give me strength to do what I need to do Lord, for You are my Strength. Help me to endure through this period of refining, Lord. Grant me strength to push through no matter how hard it is Lord. I really need You. There is no one, nothing in the world that can save me other than You. Save me Lord! In Jesus' name. Amen...

I passed my CISA exam!

2008-07-23T18:26:00.003+08:00

woohoo! praise God! i passed my CISA exam!! wahaha.. thank God! He's always blessed me sooo greatly in my studies, or in any exams i take. God is super good to me! throughout my whole life, i never really had problems with exams. PSLE, 'O' levels, 'A' levels, university, even my driving exam ( i passed first time with 18 points! any more points and i fail! haha), and now my CISA exam too! lol. i did work hard la, though it was just a week before the exam. haha.. the textbook i read, the questions database i got, all says need to prepare like months before the exam lo. so that time when i started really studying a week before, was bit kanjiong. lol. i got study early la, but not a lot. lol. so really must thank God. heeh.. thanks eunice for your encouragements back then! :D

oh, and something to share with you all also. was reading this in my mail just now..

"Many things are opened by mistake, but none so frequently as the mouth. The results can be revealing."

A man sat down to supper with his family. As usual, he said grace, thanking God for the food, for the hands that prepared it, and for the source of all life.

As the meal proceeded, the man began to complain. The bread was not fresh enough, he grumbled. The cheese was too sharp. And the coffee was hotter and more bitter than he preferred.

After a while, his young daughter looked at him, perplexed. "Dad," she asked, "do you think God heard the grace today?" He answered confidently, "Of course."

Then she asked, "And do you think God heard what you said about the coffee, the cheese, and the bread?" Not so confidently, he answered, "Why, yes, I believe so." The little girl concluded, "Then which do you think God believed, Dad?"

The man usually had a quick response to any question his daughter asked. Now, he sat in stunned silence. The man realized that his mealtime prayer had become a well-practiced habit in which he said words that made him look and feel good. He also saw how his real attitude, as revealed by the spontaneous words in his complaints, was not what he wanted, or even liked.

yeah. have you thanked God for the food, then the next minute, complain bout it? haha.. but it's the quote that i like very much. many things are opened by mistake, but none so frequently as the mouth. haha.. very true. that's wisdom.

what superhero power?

2008-07-07T21:11:00.003+08:00

today went TP to meet liyao and work. then while working there, a guy came up and asked us to help do a survey. don't really know what the survey is for la, but anyway, one of the questions asked which superhero power will we choose if we could have it. something like that la. forgot what the options were. think got these: can fly, see into the future, time-travel, invisibility, change form (i guess meaning morphing into different appearances or things?). ya i think is these five. haha..

i chose time-travel. if i could, i wish to go back in time and change some of the decisions i made, change some of the ways i do things. there are things i regret in life, though i keep telling myself, everything that happened, did so for a purpose, and a good purpose. God says so in Romans 8:28. but then, i still wished that i hadn't done some of the things i did, made some of the decisions i made. so that's why i chose time-travel. to go back and undo things? hmm.. but then again, even if i went back in time, will i be able to convince the old me to really do things how i see it now? i'm really stubborn at some things you know. maybe the things happened, and God let them happen, cos God knows that it'd be the only way that i'll learn? the hard way. and what if, things get worse if i made a different decision back then? haha.. nobody knows eh. and i will never know too. if you could choose which superhero ability, which will you choose? why?

oh, and i realise, sometimes, what suddenly comes to my mind, can be very accurate. lol. like today, when going home, walked by tampines interchange area, and i was just thinking, maybe i'll bump into wanyi. and woala! i really bumped into her! lol! that time cell chalet, while i was playing the guitar, suddenly i thought if the string is going to break, and within minutes, one of the string broke! haha.. actually i got many of such experiences. superhero power to see into the future? nah! haha.. but i'm thinking if.. have i gotten more sensitive spiritually? to the things the Holy Spirit is telling me? i really wish to be more sensitive to the Spirit, to hear what God is trying to say to me. i wish to know God more, know His plan, His will. i want to be so close to Jesus, i can converse with Him. i really wish to love You so much more! more than anything else! i want to! and i'm trying to work to grow in my love for You!

live for the future

2008-07-06T21:00:00.002+08:00

today after the service at renewal church (my church undergoing renovation), went to have lunch with sunmei, liyao and shilong at bugis, then go orchard. wanted to go tangs to get a couple of shirts for business purpose, but all the shirts there were too ex. haha.. i got some vouchers to use you see, so had to go tangs. in the end, didn't get any shirt, but got myself a pair of shoes instead. lol. man, i can't really remember the last time i bought a pair of shoes for myself. i don't consider those that i got free from NS la. haha.. i think the last time i bought a pair of shoes for myself, was when i still in JC, which means, at least 6 years ago!? lols. got a pair of nike shoes, $125. lol.

then after that, go walk walk, wanted to find a cafe sit down chill out, then i randomly suggested want to watch movie or not. sunmei say ok, then ask liyao and shilong, they like so enthu. lol. so we went to watch hancock. yeah it's not bad. quite nice. quite funny also, at some parts. it brought to my mind once again, how important acceptance by others is. without acceptance from others, one is like so alone, so lonely. then after the movie, went around walking, see see look look. haha.. liyao and shilong seemed pretty bored though, while we at far east there. i go see see with sunmei, then liyao and shilong just outside waiting for us. lol. like out bodyguards like that. hahaha..

then while walking home from the mrt station, was praying and thinking bout some stuff, and suddenly this thought came to me. live for the future. hmm.. yeah i realise i've been living so much in the past. that's why i'm not having any breakthroughs? must stop living in the past anymore! must live in the present, and live for the future!! yeah!! live for the future!! and not just any future, but the future that God has planned for me!! must work hard for the future!! Hallelujah!! thanks be to God, for putting such a thought to me. must remind myself, live for the future!! help to remind me also ya? heeh.

oh, and tmr is lingling's birthday! Happy Birthday Lingling!! May God rain down His blessings on you more each day, that you can be an even greater blessing to others!! i'm really thankful for this sister. she's wonderful. she's been such a blessing from God to me. i wish to be able to bless others in the ways she'd blessed me. :)

小妹，生日快乐！

2008-06-30T22:51:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday 小妹! heeh. 16 liao ah. must start to lead the younger ones le wor. lol. cannot just do as you like liao hor. this year 'O' levels, must work hard for it ok! you very smart de, must have confidence in yourself, and in God! God will definitely help you get good grades also de, if you believe in Him! May your relationship with God grow stronger with each passing day too! :)

haha.. and today such a coincidence. ran into you and cheryl on the bus! lol. really surprised. so i got to wish you happy birthday face to face also. lols. but present already give you yesterday liao. haha.. hope you enjoyed your birthday today. heeh. eh.. hope my present does help you in some way la. lol. hopefully it helps you generate an interest in reading. LOL. reading is good. ok, need to see what type of books also la. haha.. but having an interest to read is the first step. hope the books i gave you helps you to take that first step. then from there, read other books, and can help you to get to know God more other than reading the Bible! there're some really good books out there that helps us know God deeper! hahaha.. first on your wishlist: closer relationship with HIM! ya. so, jiayou ah!

ughh.. and i'm falling sick. yesterday start to feel that my throat very dry le. and normally when that happens, it probably means i'm going to fall sick badly very soon. and true enough, this morning i woke up with a flu. just now could feel that fever might be coming in soon too. ughh.. i'd better grab some sleep soon. having enough rest will help boost my immune system against these viruses!

and once again, Happy 16th Birthday, 小妹! :D

believe.. and you can be the "dragon warrior"

2008-06-29T23:24:00.002+08:00

just watched kung fu panda today. haha.. yeah it's a funny show alright. had a few good laughs. lol. one part of the show, the conversation between master wugui and master shifu kinda shook me. master wugui was telling master shifu to believe that po (the panda) is the dragon warrior, the one that will save the day, though po is the furthest thing from what one will expect from a dragon warrior. believe. not by our own understanding. it probed me to think further. likewise, i need to believe. not by my own understanding, but by God's. believe in God, though circumstances now may seem to be the furthest thing from what i need to believe in. but really, to believe and have faith that what God has told me, He will let it come to fruition when the time comes. like we can plant the seed, but we can't control the time the tree grows, the time it bears fruit. when the time comes, the fruit will come forth. so now again. the word is..

wait.

zzZzZz...

2008-06-28T23:59:00.002+08:00

man, while waiting for some files to be copied to my thumbdrive, might as well blog something. hmm.. it's been a week+ since my birthday, and it's only today that i received my first present? hmm.. kinda sad huh. anyway, thanks michelle! think tmr i'll be getting my second present from lingling ba. haha.. i guess, that's all i'll be getting this year. quite sad huh, this year. it really seems that nobody cares much. oh well. there are good times and bad times. sometimes i wonder if i'm screwing up all the relationships with people around me. hmm.. well at the very least, i think i didn't screw up any worse my relationship with God, the most important relationship.

been reading quite a bit recently. finished two books. one on spiritual leadership, the other on selecting your life partner. the next one probably will be the book lingling giving me. while reading the book on selecting my life partner, as i read the book, it sort of came upon me that, it's so so so hard to really find someone that suits me very well, someone that meets my requirements in a life partner. it even seems impossible? haha.. according to the principles in the book la. and i started listing down some of the things i look out for in a life partner. that time zhang shi mu also shared on this, writing down a list of things you want in a life partner. then cuixian jie told me to do the same, and sunmei also. well, the single most most MOST important thing i look out for, is that, that person has to love God with all her heart, her strength, her soul. yeah. love God so so much. willing to sacrifice for God. ya. there's a lot more into this single requirement la. i truly want my relationship with my partner, my marriage with my wife, to be firmly based upon Jesus. and based on this single most important requirement alone.. haha.. erm.. it seems that there's nobody suitable that i know already. lol. not even to say the rest of the requirements. but i really wonder, will i really meet this person of my dreams? that fulfills all my requirements? and i love her, and she loves me too? and i meet her requirements too? wow. i think it's so impossible, that if it really happens, it's nothing short of a miracle from God. haha. and how amazing it'll be when i find that person! the most fulfilling relationship, other than with God, is that with your spouse. and i really look forward to it. haha.. maybe too much. ya. too much. way too much. lol. i really can't imagine the day i realise the person is in my life. the excitement. the happiness. wow. and the day when i get married with this person. i'm so excited and happy just thinking about it now. ahahha.. but i wonder, how long do i have to wait for this person to appear? has she already appeared in my life? maybe she has, but the time is not right yet? maybe i'm not ready yet? maybe she's not ready yet? hmm.. i just hope the waiting time isn't too long. haha.. but oh well, God has His divine timing. but really, i can't wait to meet this person. meet every of my requirements!? is that really possible? haha.. i know with God it is. :)

the call

2008-06-25T22:54:00.001+08:00

The Call
Regina Spektor
The Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian Soundtrack

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

turning 24...

2008-06-19T21:50:00.002+08:00

turning 24 in a few more hours. hmm.. how will this year's birthday be? seriously, i'm not putting much hopes for a dynamic and exciting birthday. haha.. morning need to go help my cousin do some stuff, probably stretch till afternoon, then rush home, get ready go check-in for cell chalet. things probably will be quite hectic? lol. the boys can be a handful. i hope the older ones don't add to it. hahaha.. no la. i'm sure they'll help to keep them under control. hee..

hmm.. somehow, i think i'm feeling what eunice was feeling that time, that nobody cared bout her birthday? but God is wonderful. God turned it into a pleasant surprise for her, and made her birthday special once again. what will there be in store for me tomorrow, if any? no. no cream on me please. no pranks on me.

last year, i remember i organised an outing myself, if my memory serves me well. oh it wasn't too bad. 小妹 was there, sunmei, zhijin, weicong, ziting, yihong, jiajun, bingwen, jiahui.. ok i can't remember who else. not sure if i got it correct not. lol. sorry. anyway, we went east coast for dinner, then 小妹 they all went to set up a "surprise" for me. haha.. they bought those sparklers, buried the present they got for me, made a heart shape on the sand around it, perimetered the heart shape with the sparklers. it's nice. heeh. quite heart warming. and they got a pandan cake for me too. and jiajun and bingwen bought a present for me! haha.. the present is still sitting beside me now. well taken care of. ya. that was last year. felt very loved by my dear cell members.

hmm.. i wonder who'll remember my birthday this year? will i even be getting any presents this year? ok, i said what i wanted, you guys can't get it for me. well, i hope there's at least someone out there praying for me. i guess this year i'm spending my birthday with my cell too. chalet ma. haha.. anyway, yien and jiahui(chui)'s birthday is just after mine. haha.. and michelle's just a few days after, and 小妹's is 10 days after mine. many birthdays in june. today is my another very close cousin's birthday too. 表姐，生日快乐! ok. she probably won't see this, but nvm. lol. hmm.. should i stay up to see who's the first to wish me happy birthday? lol. maybe not. haha.. want to sleep early, cos need to wake up early tmr. and.. i don't want to get disappointed. =X

some nice photos to share

2008-06-19T09:34:00.002+08:00

well, but they're not from me. haha.. i'm not so good. i like browsing wedding photo albums. haha.. and this is a good one i came across. been some time since i went around browsing through wedding albums! check out this link! it's very nice! a wedding at the beach! woots!

and of course, not forgetting the wedding photographer i like most. i've long decided to engage this guy for my wedding next time. hahaha.. the links to his site and blog are at the left side of my blog. check out his company site - LightedPixels.

a story of luggages

2008-06-18T10:02:00.002+08:00

there was a man, who was very fond of luggages. he felt that luggages were very good to have, as they are big, and can store all the things that he needs, thereby meeting his needs.

throughout his life, he has seen many luggages, of which, up till now, only 4 did he set his eyes upon. each of the luggages, he loved very much, but the first two, he never got to buy them. the salesman, did not want to sell them to the man. the third one, he loved very much as well. he kept waiting and waiting for a good time to buy the luggage. it was a very good luggage indeed. in fact, it probably was the best he has ever seen thus far. however, in the course of waiting, the man saw another luggage - the fourth luggage. this luggage wasn't very ready for use yet, and required lots of repairs, but the man liked it a lot. he knew that it required lots of repairs, but he saw that it had the potential to meet all his needs. he then decided to buy the luggage and stop waiting for the best opportunity to buy the third luggage. he was prepared to put in the time and effort to try to repair the luggage, and that in due time, it will be the perfect luggage for him. he proceeded to buy the luggage. the salesman didn't reject the offer, and the man got the luggage. the man didn't want to buy a wrong one, so he asked the original manufacturer if there was a guarantee. the original manufacturer replied that yeah there is a guarantee! guarantee that this luggage was the one meant for the man! happily, the man bought the luggage and started to repair it bit by bit. he was very confident of the guarantee that the original manufacturer had given him. the man spent all his efforts trying to repair the luggage, believing very strongly that the luggage was the one meant for him.

however, in due time, despite all the efforts of the man trying to repair the luggage, it seemed that he was getting nowhere. probably he wasn't equipped well enough with the knowledge to do the repairs himself. the luggage fell apart. the man was overwhelmed. he didn't understand why it happened. what did he do wrong? he just wanted to help to repair the luggage. he asked the original manufacturer, why did it happen? wasn't it supposed to be a guarantee? a guarantee that the luggage was meant for him? then how come it fell apart in his hands? the man questioned the validity of the guarantee, but he had total trust in the original manufacturer. he didn't believe that the original manufacturer will lie to him. it then came upon the man that, when he bought the luggage, he already knew that it required lots of repairs. he thought he was capable of performing the repairs, but as things turned out, he was wrong. he knew he had to return the piece of luggage to the original manufacturer for repairs. only the original manufacturer knew how to perform the repairs. the man thought, perhaps he bought the luggage too early.

feeling very dejected over the loss of the luggage, the man still continued to trust in the guarantee that the original manufacturer gave him. he believes that in due time, the original manufacturer will return the completed and perfect luggage back to him. how long, though, he didn't know. the man was tempted to go look around for other luggages, but it seemed no other luggages met his liking. he also knew that it probably isn't the time to be looking around for other luggages at that point of time. the man's friend reminded him of the things he had to do, and that he already has a laptop, a haversack to meet most of his needs.

moving on, the man continued to do what he has to do - his work and stuff. however, he was constantly thinking about the luggage. he misses the luggage very much. how long will he have to wait? or maybe, one day, the original manufacturer will give him another luggage, an even better one that suits him perfectly? he is so tired of waiting again. sometimes he wishes that his fondness of the luggage will just go away. whatever it is, there isn't much the man can do, except to wait, whether is it the piece of luggage that he's waiting for, or another piece that the original manufacturer has for him.

so moving on the man did, and waiting, and thinking of the luggage from time to time. he believes that the piece of luggage is in proper care under the hands of the original manufacturer. he can only believe in the original manufacturer, that in due time, the original manufacturer will provide the most suitable piece of luggage.

just.. blogging..

2008-06-17T12:39:00.002+08:00

well, just felt like blogging, so here i am. hmm.. the past week.. alright la. was busy studying for my CISA exam the last Sat. the questions are really tricky, so i really don't know how i'll fare. but i'm leaving the results to God. i did my best, at least i think i did give it my best shot already. and thank God i was able to study the few days before the exam. haha..

hmm.. my birthday is nearing. well, nobody seems to care much. oh well, i don't really think much bout it also. there doesn't seem to be anything worth celebrating this year? lol. starting my cell chalet this fri, which happens to be my birthday also. i wonder if they're planning a surprise for me. actually, i'd rather not have any surprise. just leave it as it is, like any normal day. my birthday, doesn't hold much meaning to me anymore, at least for now. no need for any presents. prayers and blessings in the name of the Lord will be the best present. i just wish to go back to God, renew my relationship with Him. :)

ah, i'd like to mention last sat's cell. we did a sharing on our character, as well as our perspective of others' character. Joi, who joined us for the first time, gave a good analysis of each of us. haha.. she's good at looking at people. lol. she said i'm someone who understands myself, cos i think a lot. well yeah i do think a lot. haha.. much more than i should on some issues. lol. yeah, i thought, actually i don't really understand myself. cos the more i think, the more i try to dig inside myself, the more i realise that needs to be discovered. and the past month, i really dug inside myself, and i begin to understand myself better. i'm starting to see why i'm the way i am now. and i start to see that, things that happen during childhood, it brings such a great effect on us, up to the day we die. i saw how my childhood could have caused me to be the way i am now, affecting me in almost every way.. the way i handle relationships, handle friendships, the way i serve.. and these effects affect me subconsciously. i didn't even know why i am like that in the past. i don't know what exactly happened in my childhood. i can't remember the first few years of my life. i wonder if it's because it's so bad, my mind automatically put it aside, hid the memories in a corner to protect myself. this is some psychological theory i heard about last time. maybe it's time to dig up the past. hmm.. but i wonder if i'm prepared to face my past? to face myself? i don't wish for the hurts in my childhood, the lack of love in my childhood, to restrict me to enjoy the freedom God intended for me, to stop me from becoming the man God wants me to become. i want the freedom in Jesus. but i know, i have to face my fears, face the problems i have, and hand them over to Jesus, to be able to break free from all the bondages...

God, may You grant me the strength to face myself, to face my problems, to face my fears, and to truly hand them over to You. I want to experience the freedom in You. Help me to understand myself better, and to understand Your plan for me. Hold me close to You. I never want to stray from Your ways. Lord, give me courage. Give me courage to deal with whatever is in me. I don't want to run away from it. Running away doesn't solve the problem at all. I want to face it, and overcome it, with You by my side! I want to break free from all the bondages in my life! I proclaim in Jesus' name that I will lead a life of freedom, of abundance, in my Lord Jesus Christ! Hallelujah!! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!!

oh my!! i'm downgraded!!

2008-06-09T21:40:00.002+08:00

oh my goodness. last sat, i went for a run, timing myself on my 2.4km timing, cos i thought i needed to clear my IPPT. erm.. my timing is fail de la. lol. but i at least need to attempt once before my IPPT window closes, which is on my birthday(less than two weeks). so i tried to go into the system to book a date, but can't. i always wondered how come always cannot. i never was successful, even months ago when i tried. so i sent an email to the helpdesk or something. then they just called me back. i can't go in the system to book, cos i'm excused from IPPT. i'm PERMANENTLY DOWNGRADED TO PES C2. woohoo! lols. no need to worry bout clearing IPPT anymore. wow! haha.. and i was downgraded since 12th June last year. going to one year liao then i know bout it. -_-"

i went for a medical review last year April la, but i never knew what was the result of that review. ya, so now i know, i've been downgraded! wahaha.. but i was never informed of it also leh.. lols. but quite glad i no need to clear la. one thing less to worry about. lol. God is good! hahaha.. i still remember last year i go see the MO, he said, cos i'm still quite young, so it's hard for me to get downgraded. i was like.. huh!? what has it got to do with age? it's my ankle having problems leh.. ya i'm young, but it's still a fact that my ankle and my knee joints are having problems lo. lol. so i was downgraded. wahaha..

ya.. so.. my birthday is coming. lol. i wonder if i'll be getting any presents this year. maybe i should put up a wishlist too? lol. nah.. my biggest wish, nobody can give to me anyway. and for that matter, i guess most of my deepest wishes, nobody can fulfil also. they're not things that money can buy. well, you can help me fulfil them by praying for me though. hahaha.. pray that God will fulfil my wishes!! hee.. :D

James 1:2-4

2008-06-06T21:12:00.000+08:00

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Thank you sister. :)

Graduated

2008-06-05T12:02:00.002+08:00

yeah i've graduated. after.. *calculates*.. bout 17 years of study, i've finally graduated with a degree, the piece of paper that required 17 years of study. haha.. thank God for His divine protection and guidance these 17 years. it's really a miracle i made through these 17 years, especially some of the years in between. haha.. and thank God, i got a B+ for my FYP! yeah, so i got a second lower honours. well, it's nothing at all la. it's just plain average, but thank God at least i didn't get a third class honours. i think third class honours = useless. lol. yeah i'm a graduate. woohoo. ok.. i'm not exactly excited. haha.. but i'm just glad it's over. hmm.. i guess i not going to the convocation. not close to my classmates, so it feels quite pointless, like celebrating.. alone. so.. forget it. i'll use the time to do other stuff. haha.

to those out there still studying, don't give up! keep on going! study hard! at the end when you've graduated, you'll know that all the effort you've put in is worth it. haha.. don't leave behind regrets that you haven't worked hard enough. for those taking 'O' levels and 'A' levels this year, jiayou!! it's a major exam, but no worries! just work hard and put in your best! there're still a few months to work hard! keep the end in mind, the day you get your results. do you want to be happy? work hard, and you will be. heh. jiayou!!!!!

Lord Father, I lift up the students in EnCom to You, especially my 小妹, and Qiqin. They are taking their 'O' and 'A' level exams this year. May Your guidance be upon them, Your wisdom, Your intelligence, abound in them. Help them be able to focus on their studies, to concentrate in their studies. I cast out all the distractions in Jesus' name! Be it excessive television, games, entertainment, I cast them out in Jesus' name. Lord, help them to be ever more serious in their studies, that they truly want to do well, not just for themselves, but to bring glory and honour to Your name as well. Guide them that they will not leave behind any regrets for not having worked hard enough. Lord, Your anoiting be upon them. Bless them like how You have blessed me in my studies, and even more! Thirty-fold! Sixty-fold! Hundred-fold! Hallelujah! Bless them such that when they study, they understand what they're studying, and can commit to their memories all the formulae, the principles, all the knowledge they need to remember. In Jesus' name, I proclaim that 水婷 and Qiqin will get excellent grades in their exams! Straight As! Your grace abound! Your Spirit of diligence empower them! Bless them so greatly that their friends and classmates will get blessed too! Bless Eunice too! I thank You Jesus! In Jesus' name I pray! Amen!!

maybe i'm just asking for it..

2008-05-27T20:22:00.002+08:00

haiyo.. i think i made my xiaomei upset with me again ar. don't know why it always turns out like that. i tell her something, which i think in my opinion is to guide her, but it almost always makes her upset de. then she gets upset with me and doesn't reply me and stuff. knowing that saying those things may make her upset with me, i still said them. well, to me, it is all for her good la. but maybe i was just too hard on her? i really wish to see her blossom beautifully, and have a stronger relationship with God la, but maybe i was just too anxious on it, and gave her a lot of pressure without knowing it. ya, so i guess i was just asking for it la, now she like don't want to talk to me. hmm..

sorry xiaomei. i guess i didn't learn my lesson, and made you upset with me again. it's just like last time, i say you, then you get upset with me, then ignore me. haha.. the feeling is exactly the same. lol. now i must really tell myself, don't keep pushing you so hard. God has His own timing for you de. yeah. must tell myself, just pray for you and let God do the rest. i'm really sorry xiaomei. forgive me again can? heeh..

and i'm away again..

2008-05-26T01:35:00.003+08:00

yeah i just reached the hotel in KL bout an hour ago. woah.. tired. long ride. sit in the car until so uncomfortable. lol. was just back in sg for a week, then go overseas again. this time for a week also. don't know when's the next trip overseas again. hope not anytime soon. haha..

well, on sat, went to the hillsong concert! it was great! haha.. very great time of praise and worship. very happy! during the praise and worship, i jump and jump, then when stop for the sermon, then i realise that my slippers is broken! LOL. then 小妹 keep laughing at me. haha.. then when leaving, walk until very xin ku. so in the end, 小妹 and her sis (大妹? LOL!) convinced me to use plastic bag to wrap my foot. then i use the plastic bag to like tie it around my foot with the slippers so it won't drop off. lol. so funny. and 小妹 still keep laughing at me! haha.. but ok la, see her laugh until so happy, i also happy. lols. very long no have fun and laugh with 小妹 like that le. haha.. thank God for such a great day!

小妹 having her chinese 'O' levels paper in a few more hours. 加油! 大哥 is praying and cheering for you! must get good grades ah! haha.. May God's grace/undeserved favour be upon you greatly! Hallelujah!

oh, and this afternoon, heard that ziting fell down or something. hmm.. may God protect ziting from all harm too, and that she can recover quickly! May God bless, protect and guide all His children!

finally back in sg

2008-05-18T22:25:00.002+08:00

finally came back to sg yesterday night. ughh.. i'm finally back. but i think i'm going to malaysia again in bout a week's time. man, it sure has been a tough week. like everyday not enough sleep also. well, thank God i've endured through this week. today's service was just wonderful. worship, as well as the sermon. it just simply refreshed me, strengthened me once again. thank You Lord. You know me best, and it just seemed that today's service was dedicated to me. the worship, the sermon, everything ministered to me deeply. God is just so good. heh.

hmmm.. got some things i wanted to say to someone la, but i guess it wasn't good to approach her at this time. think i should give her some time to sort things out and think things through? heeh.. well, to that someone, i just want to encourage you to be strong! you did the right thing. really. sometimes others may not understand you, but God does! i understand you too, or at least i think i do. haha.. probably at this point of time, i shouldn't disturb you too much. i know you're still having some struggles inside. jiayou wor! God is with ya! and when God is with you, nothing can be against you! heeh.. i'll be praying for you! if there's really anything you need support in, need help with, i'll be there for you de. so no worries ya. and you have many good friends supporting you too. heehee.. go go jiayou! :)

ok, let me say some stuff bout my trip this time. haha. wow, i ate a lot? lol. first time go those high-class chinese restaurants so many times in a week, eating all the really nice stuff. haha.. wa, but eat so much, until i bit scared of it ah. lol. ya, then first time go massage parlour also. wa, really 大开眼界. i go in, blur blur de, duno where to go all those. haha.. it's very big place. first go take shower, then got spa all those, then go foot reflexology. got personal tv to watch, then can have services like manicure all those. i first time go manicure. lol! ya, then the foot massage, bit painful. haha.. then after that, got buffet supper! woah. after that go for whole body massage. wa, the person say i use computer too much, muscles tense or something, then massage until very hard. i can even hear my bones cracking! not break la, but just, very pain. haha. but the person say like that then can help to ease the muscles, or something like that la, so tell me to endure the pain. but overall was a good experience ba. haha.. wa, then i got to sit in a van, the driver damn power one. he drive like formula 1 car like that. shiok ah! hahaha.. he drive ah, like fish swimming in the water like that one, overtake other vehicles like nothing one, and very smooth! and the most power thing, is he totally disregards traffic, as in the direction of traffic. he can like, drive in the opposite direction one, and like take it like nothing like that. i was like.. woah... amazed. lol. and he like, at entrance to expressway, to take shortcut, he drove in the opposite direction to get to the other road! that's like, crazy la! haha.. but it's so amusing sitting in his van in the front seat. haha. couldn't help laughing at how he can drive like that. bit like, shocked until laugh. lols. but really power sia. he can drive us back to the hotel in just 30mins, even when it's during very heavy traffic. my cousin say, last time he take cab, take 1 hour, but take his van, only 30 mins! lol. i wonder if i can ever drive like that. quite cool ah. haha.. very skillful.

hmm.. k la. that's all for updates. didn't buy anything back from china this time. once again, to the someone, jiayou!! i'll always be supporting you! heehs.. :D

alone.. again..

2008-05-11T15:46:00.003+08:00

i'm in china.. and now.. alone in the hotel room again.. it's so lonely.. nobody i can talk to.. nobody replying my smses.. i feel so lonely.. losing something so dear.. i feel so alone.. why does it always have to be that such things happens when i have to go overseas, that i have to face myself alone in the hotel room? it's such a.. overwhelming feeling.. nobody to turn to.. not even anyone in msn.. i don't want to give it up.. waiting is so hard.. but i know i have to.. please keep me in prayers.. facing the loneliness overseas.. it's really breaking me apart.. in such times when i need you, i don't feel you beside anymore.. it's so hard.

God, please help me. help me to focus on You, and not the problems at hand. i know, all these i am going through, Lord You intended it for good. no matter what happens, i will still praise You Lord. please give me the strength to go through all these, and make me stronger. i am weak, but You make me strong.. i need You Lord. tide me through all these... in Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

it was good.. wasn't it..?

2008-05-11T00:35:00.002+08:00

things sure don't turn out the way we want, or expect it to, so often huh. well, i never regretted my decision. it was good. i learnt a lot. i hope you did too. it probably isn't going to be easy for me to walk out of this, but i will. no matter how much it hurts, i know God meant it for good, and i will still praise Him.

i cried my heart out to You, Lord. in my pain, i cried out to You, with tears flowing down my cheeks. i cried many times today.. but at least it helped me release my emotions inside me. i know i have to go on. i will hold on strongly to what You told me, Lord. never will i let go of it. what you have shown me, keeps my hopes strong, and i know my wait will not be in vain. it may be a long wait, and along the way, there probably are many more struggles, but i don't want to give up, and i never want to lose the faith in what You have shown me. Lord i thank You for all these. it was a good time. i'd done everything i could, put in everything i can. i don't think there was anything more i could have done? though it still turned out this way, so suddenly, i never blamed anyone. perhaps it was, just too early. but it's ok. i'll just wait it out then. how many years, i don't know. but i know my hope is always alive in You.

i'm flying off in a few hours. seriously, i'd hate to go overseas at this time. overseas, there isn't anyone i can really talk to, and it feels really lonely at times. it can feel so vulnerable. with my heart still aching, i don't know how am i going to take it. but i know God is with me. He will tide me through. Thank You Father. and after all this, i'm glad to know, things have merely gone back to how it has been in the past, before it all began. it'll be just as good. i just need the wisdom to do it even better.

thank you for everything. everything i did, was for the good and benefit of you. i'm really glad and happy to see that you have grown more mature, in many aspects. i'll be there to help you blossom beautifully. always. =)

something not good bout my job..

2008-05-09T14:02:00.003+08:00

well, i think i realised something that isn't good bout my job. well, work from home is good, but now i realise, there are its down sides to it too. at home, i just face the four walls and my computer. yeah my dad is normally around, but he does his own things. basically i'm as good as alone at home. my mum works and only comes back in the evening. bro normally is out for work too, and even when they are at home, we'd normally be each doing our own stuff too. man.. this feeling of loneliness is driving me crazy. there aren't any colleagues around for me to talk to, nobody for me to talk to and interact with!! yeah there's MSN, but there aren't so many i can talk to also. and of course, face-to-face interaction is still better.

man, so this is what comes with work from home benefits. i feel like i'm becoming a loner. i guess i just don't like to be alone. well, i guess nobody likes to be alone. probably this is why i keep thinking of someone so much. this isn't very healthy eh. man, i need to be around more people!! arrghh!!! what can i do? maybe i should find a place for me to work. not at home. a place where there's more people, who i can talk to, interact with.. man.. i'm really starting to feel that this job is a lonely job.. arghh.. this feeling is really driving me crazy.. maybe i should ask some friends out. but who? man.. this is bad huh.. i wonder how my dad gets by his days at home? hmm.. anyone wanna ask me out?

thank You Lord

2008-05-08T20:50:00.002+08:00

hmm.. having one of my internal struggles with myself again today. it's something i have to overcome within myself la. yesterday this thing has been on my mind, and today, someone said to me the same thing. i guess it was God trying to tell me something. yeah, indeed, i have to deal with this issue inside myself. holding on to something too tightly isn't going to do anyone any good. in the end i may just scare the person away.. haha.. overdoing it le ba? or rather, the time is not right yet. well, it's gonna be a great challenge for me to really let it loose and not hold on to it soooo tightly. lol. but just now was bit perturbed by it la. like something bugging me inside and i had to deal with it. but i'm really glad that someone told me bout this. if that person didn't, i probably wouldn't have mustered the strength to really go and do what i should do. thank you so much!!(to that someone) haha.. i lll!!

ya so was bit emotionally down and stuff, so i went for a jog to try to vent it out. go pasir ris park, run my usual route, then after that, went to the beach there rest a bit. so i sat down facing the sea, felt the sea breeze, hear the sound of the waves, and started praying to be released of this emotion that is bugging me. then i start to sing worship to Him. there wasn't anyone close by la, haha.. so is ok, can sing out loud. lol. wa it feels good. haha.. then after that close my eyes and feel the natural breeze and sound of waves. feels more peaceful after that le. haha.. thank God. then while walking back home, kept singing worship to Him. whee~ God is good. in Him we have peace! but the thing is still there that i have to overcome within myself la. but i know, when God is for me, no one can be against me! Hallelujah! i will overcome it with Jesus! heh!

己所不欲，勿施于人

2008-05-07T10:53:00.002+08:00

had fever since monday evening. injured my toe while taking bus. my big toe, the toenail bent upwards. bout 1/3 of the toenail. bent upwards!! wa! i was like.. OMG! that's my toenail, it's.. bent upwards! and it bled quite a bit ah. wa, the most painful part is when i push the part of the nail that is bent upwards down to how it should have been. IT WAS VERY PAINFUL! wa, super pain la. pain until i almost went crazy. then after that it was so pain, but i can't just shout in the bus, which was very crowded, so i like just use my hand cover my mouth all those kind of thing. -_-"

ya. then i started to feel cold, bit shivering.. like a bit fever liao. feel weak, blah blah. then i thought, wa, it's getting quite bad eh.. go home, before i slept, take my temperature.. 39.7 degrees! next day, wake up, still 39+ degrees! better go see doctor. waited for 1+ hour at polyclinic, in the end, doctor didn't say much also, and just prescribed me panadol. wa.. waste my time and money sia. go polyclinic see doctor like no see doctor like that. makes me feel that polyclinic really is a place to buy medicine only lo. think next time fall sick, go private clinics better. though more ex, but at least it has better service(should be la), and the doctors seem more professional(should be also ba..). but thank God, after come back from polyclinic, had lunch, take the panadol, went to sleep for a few hours, wake up, the fever dropped to 38+ only! God is good! haha..

this morning wake up, take temperature again.. huh.. still 38+ wor.. but i feel like no fever liao leh.. then i use another thermometer.. 35.9 degrees.. so is which thermometer spoil? -_-"

well back to the topic of the day, 己所不欲，勿施于人. doing my morning devotion as usual just now, and Daily Bread is on this for today. those 8 words has been the most important principle i've been living by most of my life, and it has helped me greatly in my interaction with people ba. and it wasn't until a few years ago that i realised it is based in the Bible too!

"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." - Matthew 7:12

己所不欲，勿施于人 works in a reversal way la, but similar. since don't know when, i've always told myself, not to do unto others what i don't want them to do unto me, and to treat others how i want others to treat me. yeah. very powerful. thank God for teaching me such a simple yet powerful principle since the young days of my life. it basically covers every aspect of life with others. i encourage you out there reading this to adopt this as one of the living principles of your life too! Matthew 7:12!

to do some educating on this too, this verse doesn't mean that if you like something, you keep doing onto others, as in, if you like durian, you keep treating others to durian. haha.. that's not how it works. some people may not like durian you see. the principle is to treat them to what they like. this is just an example la. and in using this principle, it doesn't mean you expect others to treat you exactly the way you treat them. it's not to benefit yourself, it's to benefit others. there's no room for self-centeredness in here ok? heh. ya, so hope you who are reading this, can learn to use this verse powerfully, be it in loving someone, talking to someone, your actions towards someone.

ok. being a nice person as i am, i shall give some concrete examples to help you all kickstart. wahahahah.. ya, like when talking to someone, we like others to give us their attention right? so we give them our attention as well! we don't like others to be saying ridiculous things about us, we don't say ridiculous things about others too! (eg, you very fat, you very ugly, you very stupid, etc) we like others to encourage us, so we encourage others too! we don't like others to lie to us, so we don't lie to them too! we want others to trust us, so we have to start to trust others too! yeah, these are just some examples la. heh. for a deeper understanding of this, can come find me ya? i'll be glad to help!

oh, and another principle that i live by also: 宁可全世界负我，不可我负全世界。this means that the world(other people) can harm me, hurt me, do bad things unto me, but i will not do these things to them. no revenge kind of stuff too. heh. :)

jogging is fun

2008-04-28T23:18:00.002+08:00

heh.. went jogging today. today's jog was a little different. haha.. location i jogged was different, pace i jogged at was different, and this time i wasn't jogging alone. haha.. well, i enjoyed the slow jog very much. heh. the company sure makes a world of difference eh. lols. hope to go on more of such jogs. hahahaha..

hmm.. spent almost all the time over the weekend in church. attended a training by reverend sarah wu. wow she's really anoited. everytime she comes, i always leave her conference/training feeling renewed, empowered, and.. just different. haha.. this time was just another eye opener as well. i've seen for myself how powerful the name of Jesus is, and this time, i saw how powerful the blood of the Lamb is as well. wow i picked up another super-power spiritual weapon! hahaha..

there's really so much in the spiritual realm going on but most of us are so ignorant of it. just cos we can't see, we think that things aren't happening. through the teachings by rev. sarah, i realised how much our actions can affect us spiritually, and this is so dangerous cos many times we can't see the consequences of our actions against us(cos it's happening spiritually). but then, the affects can be so great and damaging. it's really so important to lead a life led by God's Word and by the Holy Spirit, so that we don't leave weaknesses that the evil one can take advantage of.

May the blood of the Lamb cover and protect us, and the Holy Spirit fill us, and guide us, that we can lead a life as God intended, and pleasing in His eyes, not leaving any footholds for the devil. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!

i'm.. going to be broke..

2008-04-25T11:35:00.002+08:00

man.. i just realised.. i won't be able to really have any savings till like maybe next year.. though i started work already, i have many debts to pay off. the loan i got from my cousin for my university tuition fees, which add up to $11k and my laptop loan of $2.5k. paying off both loans at the rate of bout $500 per month, i'll finish paying off the $11k loan, around Feb 2010. i can finish the laptop loan in 5 months, but due to some reasons which i shall not say here, my salary for April and May most probably will be depleted. so start in June, by Nov i can pay it off. my plan is to save at least $500 per month la. so these five months, can't save lo.

and, i got quite a few things to pay off too. the vocal lessons of $240, the lessons in church, wedding angbaos, this and that, here and there.. wow.. adds up to quite a bit eh.. but thank God, the angbao from government is coming end of this month!! getting $200 for the first giveout. heh. should help me last for a while more. haha.. but i must also scrimp and save le. cannot spend too much money! must save up as much as i can, for future investments, and for my 老婆本*! lols. :X

* i think getting married really needs a lot of money lo.. lol..

back in sg

2008-04-20T23:48:00.002+08:00

i'm finally back in sg. wow, after bout almost 10 days away. it's not the longest i've been away la, but.. well, i didn't use to want to come back to sg so eagerly. haha.. so it feels that these 10 days were longer than it really is. lol.

it's quite fun la. ate lots of food. lots of meat. lol. don't know ate how many times of those eat-all-you-can meals. and everytime, eat until soooo full. but it's really nice la the food. my cousin bring me to go the nice places to eat. ya.. so i wonder if i've grown a bit fatter? lols..

thanks to shuilin, michelle, weicong, and of cos my cute little 小妹 that i dote the most on, for coming to welcome me back at the airport. haha.. well.. michelle and my 小妹 seems to think that i really got get a bit fatter. lol. err.. haha.. i don't mind getting a bit more big sized la, but fats? nah.. no thanks. but at taiwan, ate A LOT of those fatty meat! but it's nice la. lol. but i need to exercise now to burn those fats away. i prefer muscle yeah? haha.. yeah.. and to prepare for my IPPT this year too. hmm.. i seriously wonder if i have enough time to train myself up to pass it. hmmm..

well, this trip.. got buy back some stuff la. but not a lot. one thing is, my luggage is not big, so can't put in much stuff. put in my own stuff, not much space is left already. so, if you don't get any present/gift, or anything from me, don't sad hor. but can't really expect me everytime go overseas will buy present for you all ma right? like that, i sure pok one lo. and i'll most probably be flying around quite a lot from now, then everytime buy something for you all, my salary all spent, then i eat what? lols.. ya. so pls understand hor. heeh.. i know you all very understanding de la, right? you all such nice people.. haha.. (must por a bit, make them happy, then they won't come beat me up for not getting them presents) if you want me to get something for you, a good start will be to buy me a bigger luggage bag. LOL.

hmmm.. next trip.. most probably flying off to ShenZhen... not sure when yet.. hmmm... i guess i'm really starting to take aeroplanes more than i take taxis in sg now.. lols..

and after the pain..

2008-04-17T18:51:00.002+08:00

i'm happy! wahaha.. wow i change pretty fast eh? my moods. lol. well, i'm so happy to know that i'm forgiven. haahs.. really.. just a word from you can brighten up my day, bring me back to "life". haha..

and thanks for all the brothers and sisters who love me, and showed care and concern for me. and your prayers too. heh.. i'm so blessed.

hmm.. to those who are worried about us.. i know what your concerns are.. i am very concerned too. but i'm glad that though sometimes there are problems, there are things to be happy about too. i feel that i am benefitting from her. i learnt so much from her. and i see her grades improving also.. i'm really doing all i can to bring her before God, and to help her in her studies.. i know what i doing may disappoint you all.. but this is the path we have chosen. we'll make the best out of it. it may not have been the best choice, but.. it is our choice. i won't let it become a choice that we regret. i stake everything i have on it.

still pain.. but..

2008-04-16T22:53:00.002+08:00

i really feel miserable. i can go eat lots of good food, but it doesn't make me happy at all, cos deep inside, the wound is still bleeding..

i'm really sorry. i'll watch what i say more. if i'm tired i won't say anything, or i may say the wrong things and hurt you again. though it is a misunderstanding, i know it hurt you really deep. i know i can explain, but the hurt is already done, and probably no amount of explanation will completely heal the wound. i'm sorry. please forgive me..

i was thinking of you the whole day. thank God i still managed to finish what i have to do at work today. i kept praying and praying. though it still hurts, but i know if my life was without you now, it hurts even more.. at first it felt like all my dreams with you were shattered. i keep telling myself it's not. i can still make the dreams come true. the dreams with you.. and i will continue to work hard to make them come true. i'll force myself to accept whatever comes. the day i can't accept anymore, probably will be the day i leave this world. i probably won't have the strength to live on if that day really comes. but i know that day will never come, cos i will never give up. i'll love you so much, you won't have a chance to leave me. how bout that? well.. i'm already loving you with all i have.. and that's just what i'm going to continue to do. love you with all i have, and love God with all i have. He and you, are the only ones i live for now...

Lord Father, despite all the things that happened, I give You praise. I know You are in control of it all. I know these hurt is only temporary. I know what lies in the future, the plan You have for us, is more than we can ever imagine. I know it is Your will for us. May You reign in our lives. We hand over all our problems to you, cos You are the Lord and King of our lives. Without You, we wouldn't even have had anything to begin with. I thank You for what You've given me, and the person You've brought into my life. Truly, through this person, You have given me the dreams i never dared dream of. Through this person, You have given me the joy and happiness i could only dream of. I cherish these that You've given me. I love You, Dad. In Jesus' name. Amen.

pain..

2008-04-16T19:11:00.002+08:00

hmm.. since yesterday night, in my mind is pretty dazed.. the thing i find hard to come to terms with.. but in my pain, i felt how much you meant to me. despite the pain, despite that i still cannot come to terms with what you told me, i still love you so much. i never want to let you go.. for what you told me, it seemed that my dream was over. my plans, my dreams for the future, all smashed up.. you told me to be strong. and so i will. i'll pick myself up. i'll be stronger. i have to be there for you, so i can't go down. all the things i promised, i will keep them.

as surely as God lives, i will make good the promises to you. lll.

help...

2008-04-16T02:53:00.003+08:00

i.. i feel like i'm in a daze.. i feel that the world is spinning around. i feel giddy.. i.. i don't know what to do.. i'm lost.. it's.. it's too much for me to bear.. i still can't accept it.. it's so painful.. i feel like i've been pierced in my heart.. i can't get it out of my mind.. my mind is in a whirl.. i want to put it away.. i want to think that what you told me, is not going to come between us.. i really want to continue this path with you.. but i'm afraid that what you said, will leave a scar in me, and put a strain on us. i don't want it to be that way.. i want to be strong.. i have to be strong.. i will.. live up to what you say..

Lord.. please.. heal me of the wound in my heart.. i really want to cast all my problems at Your feet.. but there's this part of me that keeps hanging on to it. take away my burdens, my hurt, Jesus.. renew me, to accept everything that You've placed before me..

God.. you win..

2008-04-15T22:43:00.002+08:00

God, you're really humourous at times eh.. accepting whatever happens, and be happy. you really testing me out on that one huh.. i meant for her to leave me as in, by death.. and i thought by sharing i'd be able to encourage others, only to be misunderstood.. i must have been too tired while typing, to have written nonsence, to have been misunderstood.. and in that, hurt someone.. and i guess it hurt bad..

but i was hurt too.. bad.. very bad.. like a knife piercing through my heart, really.. you told me something, that was so hard for me to accept.. so so hard. is this Your way of testing me, Lord? Lord, just take control of everything, will You? i will accept it, but it is hard to be happy about it.. please teach me how to.. reign in me, Father.. it's really a lesson so much harder to learn than said.. i can't do it on my own.. i need You...

accept whatever happens, and be happy

2008-04-13T01:26:00.003+08:00

while just now was chatting with a sister, i came to talk bout accepting whatever happens and be happy bout it. it's easy to accept something we want to happen, or something that we can easily rejoice over, but are we able to accept something that we don't wish to happen?

i was saying also that in almost everything, we have a choice. the sad thing is, most people don't know that we do have a choice, and freedom is the ability to make that choice. freedom isn't really just doing what you want to do, but making the choice, and the right one on that. i can go deeper on this, but i'm not touching on that in this entry. choice. too many times we blame it on other things when things don't go well. we blame it on our family, our upbringing, our character, our circumstances, etc, but rarely on ourselves. so what if you grew up in a bad environment, your boss mistreats you, blah blah. what are you doing about it? don't look to others, look to yourself. if you think, "aiyah, is like that one la..", do you know that you have made the choice to give up? something bad happens, and you get depressed over it. well you know what? something bad, never happens. to God, it is that way. or at least, i chose to believe it this way, cos God allowed it to happen, He must have intended it for good, cos He is a good God. so everything that happens, is good! we say it is bad, just cos we can't see why it is good, doesn't make it bad. if we can see things from God's perspective, we'd see why it is good. the problem is, majority of us don't know God well enough to be able to see it from His perspective. and maybe, we won't ever understand given the limited brain power we have. here's where faith comes in.

you see, on things that happen, we can see it positively(probably closer to God's perspective) or negatively(what satan wants us to think). imagine a piece of paper. something good happens, is like the piece of paper is filled with white, with some black dots. we can easily see the white. something "bad" happens, is like the paper is filled with black, with white spots. most of us will then see the black part, but here's the deal: you can choose to focus on the white spots than see all the black. i believe that's what God sees in us. the good parts, and accepting the not good parts, and slowly He cleanses us, making the white parts bigger and bigger. on this analogy, i once heard someone say, what if the piece of paper is completely black? my answer to that is, you're really shortsighted to have missed the white spots. you need to work much harder to find the white spots. of course, it's not easy to focus on the white spots. you have to make a conscious choice to do it. likewise, to be positive, to be happy, we have to make a conscious choice on it!

many pple i've seen, say they want to be happy, and they don't want to be depressed, don't want to be emo. the problem is that they only say, but not doing anything bout it. they chose to just leave things as it is. yeah, they chose, without even realizing it. cos to change, takes effort. taking effort is hard work, so subconsciously, they've made a choice not to put in effort. so in wanting things to change for the better, we have to consciously put in the effort, regardless how unwilling we are to do it, as long as we know it is for good. eg, your grades are bad. if you remain the way you are, not changing anything, you grades aren't going to improve, unless you work harder. but working harder isn't fun, so we don't want to do it. but unless we work harder, our grades are not going to change! get what i mean? unless we make the conscious effort to work harder, nothing is going to change, not our grades, not our emotions, not our thoughts.

yeah, so in choices, we can choose to accept "bad" things that happen and believe them for good like God intended. since some time ago, i started to change in the way i pray for others' healing from illnesses. an example:

a couple of weeks back i was praying for a brother in church. he's in NS, in OCS. he's injured, so he can't continue the course. he wants to be an officer very much, and it's not just for himself, but for God too. the usual thing i'd have done in the past, was to pray for his injury to heal, so he can resume his cadet course and eventually be commissioned as an officer. but what if, that is not God's plan? my prayer for him was that, he'd be able to accept whatever outcome it is and be happy, even if in the end it meant that he cannot be an officer. what's most important, is not whether he becomes an officer or not, but whether is he happy. now he wants to be an officer cos that's what makes him happy. so i prayed that even if he can't be an officer, he'll be happy too! no matter what, he'll be happy! is this God's plan? yes i'm very sure! God wants us to be happy! so in this prayer, i know i'm definitely in onto God's plan.

another example:

a sister was diagnosed with lymphoma recently. generally, we'd all be praying that she'll recover, cos if she doesn't, we'll be sad right. how bout this then: no matter what happens, we'll be happy, cos we know God is in control of it all. this way, sure win de ma. haha. we don't know the outcome, but we'll be happy whatever the outcome is. this, is my prayer. i'm glad to know that she's accepted that she has lymphoma, and she has faith that God will heal her. i can sense that she's still happy. that's what truly matters, doesn't it? to be happy!

to everyone out there who's not being happy, snap out of it. you do have a choice to be happy. put in the conscious effort. being happy is part of God's plan for you! if you still choose to remain the way you are, not doing anything to change, nobody can help you. if you still think that the choice is not up to you, then really, nobody can help you le, cos you've already chose to give up. so don't give up, and come join in on God's great plan for you, and be happy! :)

off to work!

2008-04-10T22:02:00.002+08:00

tmr i'll be flying off to taiwan, and will be back on the 20th. gone for bout 10 days. well, taiwan isn't a bad place la. hopefully got time to go walk walk around and have some fun. lol. well, it's for business la. heh. hope i can learn as much as i can from this trip too. not really too excited to go la. haha.. i'll miss some stuff here a lot. but oh well, i still have to go whether i like it or not, so i'll make the most out of it. heeh. ya, do keep me in prayers ya? my well being, everything la. haha..

hmm.. watched the bucket list recently. it's a nice show. the ending part, i was pretty touched, and my tears came rolling down. haha.. hey, i got my sentimental part too ok. lol.

*beware! spoilers ahead!*
well, it was this part when Carter(Morgan Freeman) was going to pass away, and his wife got so worried. and when she knew he passed away, she got very upset la. well, i kinda thought of how it felt like to be in her shoes, watching the person you love so much, pass away. yeah, so i thought, if the one i love most were to leave me like that.. yeah.. so i cried la. the thought was just too much to bear... :`(

yah, then after that, was the letter that Carter left for Edward(Jack Nicholson). Carter told him to find his joy in his life. ya, then i kinda thought to myself, have i found the joy in my life? yeah, my answer was yes. i found two joys, in fact. haha.. the first was that i found Jesus! and the second.. heh.. i'm not telling ya. :P

the theory of fire(problem) and fire-fighting(solving problem)

2008-04-09T22:18:00.003+08:00

haha.. just now while chatting on msn, somehow, talk bout problems, then i came up with this thing bout fighting fire, which relates to problems. i just came up with it while chatting, and it seems to describe it so nicely, so i thought i'll pen it down here. hahahaha.. wow i'm good eh. lol. goes something like this...

if you started a fire(created a problem), you gotta put it out yourself(solve the problem). there are generally a few ways to put out a fire(different ways to solve a problem). first, use fire extinguisher. well, there are different types of fire extinguishers, if you don't know(akin to different ways to solve problem). the different types of fire extinguishers are used to put out different types of fires, so to put out the fire, you have to use the right one(use the most appropriate way to solve the problem, depending on what kind of problem it is). if the fire gets out of hand, and you're unable to keep it under control or to put it out, you'll need external help, which comes from dialling civil defence(ask for help from others). and of course, civil defence are well equipped and knowledgeable on fighting fires, so they can fight fire better(get someone more mature/wise who can help solve your problem).

yeah, so that's it. not bad la right, considering it just came out within seconds leh, while i was chatting. ahahhaha.. ok i just want to brag that i'm smart. wahahahah.. no la.. joking. :P

well, but i think it does help right. kill two birds with one stone leh. teach how to deal with fire and problems. hahaha.. oh.. just thought of this. in case of fire, can pray for rain to put out the fire(ask for divine help from God!!! meaning, PRAY!).

Quote of the Day

2008-03-28T14:52:00.002+08:00

"If we don't have something in our lives we're willing to die for, we don't really have anything in our lives worth living for."

I just read this in an email. I think it's very true. If we're living for something, it means we're willing to die for it too. What are you living for? What are you willing to die for?

And did you know? That there was Someone, who lived for you, and has died for you?

*argghh.. i'm sooooo busy with work this week. i wonder when was the last time i stayed home for a few days consecutively. ok, i remember the few days i was stuck at home due to super bad diarrhoea. but man, i'm at home the past few days working!! can you believe it!? i've been working round the clock!! like from morning 10am to night 10pm la. woah. thank God i'm able to be so hardworking. haha.. rushing out documents for my boss you see. hmmm.. ok.. enough of my break. time to get back to work!!

finally!!

2008-03-15T01:14:00.002+08:00

i'm graduating!! wahaha.. i've submitted my FYP today!! so now i'm just waiting to graduate and get my degree!! woots! whee~~ lols..

after so many years of studying, i've finally got my degree, and can stop studying le. haha.. ok.. still need to take certifications and i wanna study theology, so still need to study la. haha.. but hopefully no more boring stuff. lol. anyway i guess i'll be starting work soon, for my cousin, so no time to slack. uhh.. i've been slacking too much of my life away anyway.. must work hard! i wanna earn big bucks, so i can bless the people around me too. hehe.. and i believe God wants to bless His children in every aspect of our lives, including finance.

i guess i'll be stepping into a new phase in life. Lord i pray that in everything i do, it is with Your favour. Guide my steps Father, and show me how You have planned my life, so i can walk in accordance to it. Grant me the strength to overcome any obstacles i will encounter, and may i be able to bring glory to Your name! in Jesus' name i pray, amen!

lost and found!

2008-02-25T23:35:00.002+08:00

thank God! i lost my wallet today. i dropped it in the bus. i only realised it after i alighted from the bus. i realised it soona after i alighted, so i took the next bus to go to the terminal to see if the bus captain picked it up or something. but when i got to the terminal to check, my wallet was gone! it's not in the bus, nor did anyone pass my wallet to the bus captain! i was about to go make a police report, and on the way back, then my mum called me. the person who picked up my wallet called my home! hahaha.. you're wondering how come he pick up my wallet, and have my house contact number right? i got put my cell contacts list in my wallet ma, which has my contact in it too. haha.. praise the Lord! and so i met the guy and got back my wallet! phew! God is so good!! at first i was pretty confident and strong in faith that i'll be able to find it at the terminal, so when it wasn't there anymore, i was pretty disappointed. but i told myself, to have faith that God will work it out, and no matter what happens, even if i can't get my wallet back, i will still thank God for it. and God returned my wallet back to me!! wahaha..

oh, and to continue from my previous post on my diarrhoea, my diarrhoea kinda persisted for a few days. my stomach didn't feel well for a whole week. but thank God too, that i'm ok now! hmmm.. quite a few people said that i became thinner. man, you can imagine how bad my diarrhoea was. -_-"

bad day

2008-02-15T21:10:00.002+08:00

today is a bad day. very bad. having diarrhoea since last night. went to the loo duno how many times le. stomach not feeling well also. this morning wake up felt like vomiting too. ughh.. laid on the bed for the whole day today. =(

and as if that wasn't enough. kinda had disagreements with someone. haiz.. i sincerely meant well for that person.. maybe that person too young to fully understand my good intentions? hmm.. "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Psalm 27:5 . well, easier said than done. it's hard, knowing when you say something that someone doesn't like, but knowing that you have to say it, cos you want that person to learn and not do the wrong things, and in the end that person gets angry with you. well i guess loving someone has to make sacrifices, many sacrifices, including emotional sacrifices as well. i pray for the strength to do the right things, and endure through it with that person. i'm praying for you to grow up and be more mature too...

辛酸

2008-02-14T00:56:00.002+08:00

今天，去 macdonalds 做 project 时，看见一位老太太。她买了一个 ice-cream cone，就当她准备要坐下来时，不小心把那个 ice-cream 弄掉了。她就准备坐在我旁边的那个位子。开始时我只留意到她要吃那个冰淇淋。很少会看到老太太会去麦当劳买冰淇淋吃的嘛，所以看见时，就比较注意。是我的朋友看见那个冰淇淋掉在座位上，然后告诉我的。老太太就慢慢的，拿出纸巾，抹掉那个冰淇淋。她的年纪真的很大，也看得出她行动很缓慢。看见她要简简单单地吃冰淇淋也不能，顿时让我觉得非常辛酸。那一幕，深深地印在我的心里。真是岁月不饶人吗？那位老太太好像很可怜，想要好好的吃一个冰淇淋都好像变得困难。我突然有一个冲动，好想对她说：“阿嬷，您坐下吧，我帮你抹。”然后去买多一个冰淇淋给她。可是，我没有勇气。最后，我只是看着她，把位子抹干净后，自己再去买了一个冰淇淋。后来，我好后悔。后悔自己没有鼓起勇气去服事那位老太太。那一幕真的让我好辛酸，好辛酸。我几乎差一点就要哭出来了。老太太买了第二个冰淇淋回来，坐在位子上慢慢的吃着那个冰淇淋。我偷偷的看了她几眼。她的样子好慈祥。她的脸带着那喜乐的笑容，纵然她的脸充满了岁月的痕迹。我发现，从我看见她的第一刻，她都是一直地保持着那笑容。我突然好感动。虽然老太太很老了，但保持着一颗单纯，喜乐的心。虽然行动不方便，但不埋怨，只以一颗喜乐的心接受这一切年老所带来的不便。

有多少人能像这位老太太一样，笑看人生呢？

Happy Chinese New Year!

2008-02-11T11:39:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY to all! heh. hmm.. the past few days.. ok ok la. i'm not someone who likes going around to do visitation de. i'm not very close to most of my relatives also. and i don't talk much also, so everytime go visitation, nothing much to do, quite boring. lol. but this year the angbao $$ like more than last year. haha.. good good. thank God for the blessing!

yesterday go weicong's house to bai nian also. only his dad was around though. then we had steamboat dinner. woah.. i eat until super full lo. duno ate how many dumplings ah. lolz. but confirm a lot. hahaha.. then we got lao yu sheng too. sponsored by huihui. thanks! heh.

then the day before(sat), went to visit weiquan's home and yueyee's home. long time no go their house le lo. haha.. and it's nice catching up with good old friends!! hee.. got weiquan, wanyi, yueyee, hanwei. they're my best friends! heehe..

hmm.. past couple of months very happy. heeh. feel like such a blessed man. ahaha.. hmm.. but think i need to work harder, cannot be so slack le. be it in my FYP, my spiritual life, my serving in ministries, in my future career! time to really start to work hard! must work hard so as to ensure a high and steady flow of income in the future! i want to be wealthy to bless others! hehe.. and also to provide a comfortable home for my future family. ahahaha.. and.. buy LV bag for my wife? lol! not just that la, when i'm rich, i'll be able to buy everything my wife wants! woot! :X

wor.. valentines day coming also le wor.. hmm hmm.. lol.. yesterday we were saying huihui want to faster find a bf, or something like that la. hahaha.. ehh guys out there, if you're interested in her, now is the time!! wahahaha.. :X

busy busy busy

2008-01-28T16:07:00.000+08:00

have not been updating my blog frequently nowadays. well, life has been pretty busy? haha.. but it's ok. though still got many things to do, many things to learn, but i'm happy now! hehe.. thank God for what He has given me!! Thank You Father!!

lets see.. any interesting stuff to blog about the past week.. well, actually got many many things i want to write and blog about, but.. think i'll not. haha.. want to know then ask me lo. ahaha..

hmmm.. yesterday went ziting's house for dinner. it's prepared by shilong! haha.. yeah the pasta he cooked is really not bad. think they were having a lot of fun preparing and cooking the food, but too bad i got something to attend to, so couldn't join them.

this morning spent a couple of hours packing up my room. well, packed a corner of my room la. haha.. still got quite a lot to pack. but at least now my room is slightly more spacious le. LOL. CNY coming le lo. need the red packets. haha.. getting real broke these couple of months. though very broke, but still very happy. ahaha..

'O' level results announced not too long ago. woah.. Shuilin did very well wor! except her english la. but i was pretty impressed by her results. haha.. hope Shuiting can do very well for her 'O' levels also. i'll try my best to help her do well. hmm.. target.. L1R4.. bout 12-13 points!?!? haha.. time to get her some ten-year series assessment books. LOL! oh, and Ziting also. her 'N' levels this year. you all must jiayou wor! heeh~

God is good! so good!!

2008-01-17T00:59:00.000+08:00

i'm back from mumbai, india last saturday liao! it was a good trip, i think. learned lots of stuff. still got lots more to learn though. so so much. heh.. shall talk bout the india trip another day la. now just taking a bit of time off doing my project research to blog. hee..

well, God has been so so so so so so so good to me recently. haha.. He answered one of my prayers! a very very important prayer request from me, and He gave me an answer! such an important answer!! Thank You Father!! hee.. i feel like some of my dreams has come true! ahha.. well, they have la. some of my dreams came true!! lols.. so happy!! woots~!~!

off to Mumbai, India

2008-01-08T14:53:00.000+08:00

in a couple more hours and i'll be on the flight to... Kuala Lumpur!! lol.. i going there to transfer flight to Mumbai la. hmmm.. going there for work. how exciting right!? no lo.. i don't feel excited at all. haha.. i wonder how it is going to be like. hmmm.. hope i don't fall sick there. hope everything goes smoothly there. hope everything goes smoothly for the checking in, all those. now got so many restrictions, aiyo.. want to pack my stuff also so troublesome.

hope from this trip i can really learn all the stuff i need. ok.. probably not all, but at least most ba.. hope i don't screw up anything. haha.. nvm, God is with me. Immanuel!

hmmm.. coming back on saturday morning.. think later nobody going to send me off.. oh well.. duno got anybody to be at airport to welcome me back when i come back not. haha.. hmmm... keep me in prayers ya?

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T12:06:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. Christmas wasn't too bad this year. heeh. presents, yeah got a few presents. got a few books, which are very nice and good books! time to spend more time in reading! books are a source of knowledge!! i want more knowledge!! hahaha.. thanks to everyone who gave me presents! sorry this year i'm very hard up on my wallet, so no presents for you all this year. :X

the Christmas cell party was good i think. given the limited resources and time, i think the committee did a wonderful job!! and thank God for the wonderful turnout as well!! on Christmas day went to Keith's house to eat and play too. hmm.. think it's been some time since i had such fun with the young adults liao. haha.. i really enjoyed myself. i would have stayed all the way if i could! haha..

today's New Year's Eve. having an overnight prayer meeting in church. man.. i'd love to go to Wanyi's house to join my friends to play and have fun lo. so rarely i get to meet them now, and have fun with them. oh well. what to do. being a child of God requires sacrificing my own desires sometimes. it's alright. my reward is in heaven. hee.. Happy New Year everyone!

family

2007-12-24T12:30:00.000+08:00

hmm.. the day before, i had a chat with my parents, on an issue i'm currently facing. wow.. i think it's the first time i chatted with my parents like that? haha.. it was good. i should do that more often. chatting with my parents. letting them know what's going on in my life, the problems i'm going through, the things i'm facing now.. it's so nice having a heart to heart talk with those close and dear to me.. i treasure my family very much. and even more so now. i treasure the close ones around me too, those that i care for, and care for me too. thanks for being there for me!

Most importantly, thank You, Father. I know I have such a blessed life, though I may be struggling with some issues now. I pray You'll continue to guide me, strengthen me, grant me stronger faith in You, and to do Your will. Keep me from doing anything that displeases You. Thank You. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!

ahhh.. sianz.

2007-12-18T14:34:00.000+08:00

man, it's really sianz. doing FYP. ugghh.. can't wait for it to be over. if i didn't have to do my FYP now, i'll be attending 郭美江牧师's seminar. went yesterday. hmm.. is alright la. did a lot of 宣告，祷告，and went thru the spirit cleansing procedures. not first time do liao la, but i guess it's still good to do another thorough cleansing. didn't have much 感动 though. guess it came at a good time, cos going through some struggles, think the cleansing will help me tide through the crisis.

haiz.. many things still pretty unsettled. i am trying real hard to seek God's plan, but till now, it seems i still have little inkling to what He is trying to do in my life, or what He has prepared for me. i guess it's really a test of my faith and dependence on Him, cos i feel that He is so far away. i know He isn't. He's always by my side, just that i cannot feel it.. i really need You desperately now, Lord. i'm really lost. i can't seem to do anything well now. i can't concentrate on the things that needs to be done. everything i do seems kinda half-hearted, but i'm trying to get out of it. i know i cannot carry on like this. i have to overcome this. i know God can help me overcome it. i'm learning to totally cast my worries, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my fears, my everything, to Jesus.

"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:30

very bad...

2007-12-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

youth camp is over.. can't say it's good. very thankful to God for blessing us with generally good weather. other than that, i think i screwed up. many things, i did not make sure that they were well planned, with contingency plans, properly organised. i guess i didn't put in enough effort to ensure that everything was well planned out. during the camp, i failed as a commandant too. yeah i was very stressed and tired, but as the commandant, i can't let that show out, cos it'll affect my committee members and the campers. guess what, one of the new friends commented that i look stressed. bad enough that i wasn't livening up the atmosphere, but no, i worsened things by letting my stress show on my face. alright, i was never good at concealing my feelings and emotions, but as the commandant, that was not acceptable!

i guess i just don't have the knack to be a leader yet. i realised from the camp, i'm not so good at making decisions when unexpected situations arise. and recently, my emotions have really got the better of me.. the campfire was my greatest screw up i guess.. i totally lost it. i was completely drowned in my own depression and stress, and completely failed to do anything during the campfire..

after the camp, i heard that people felt that i and the committee were biased towards one group. i did not. i can answer very clearly on that to God. i never intentionally bias towards any group. neither did my committee. things just happened such a way that gave that false impression that we were bias, but it's not!

i know, and heard people talking behind my back about me being bias. i didn't bother, cos i know clearly what i was doing, and have a clear conscience. what did bother me was that someone so dear and close to me felt the same way. you felt that i was biased.. am i such a person in your eyes? that hurt me so much. up till now, you had such little faith and trust in me??? all that i've done for you, was it all in vain? the love and care i showered on you, was it all for nothing!? i'm sorry i did a bad job, and caused you to have a bad experience of the camp.. but what you said really pierced my heart. it is so, so, so painful...

why has things turned out like this? i don't understand, Father. i feel so weak and vulnerable. the person i care and love so much doesn't understand me. it breaks my heart so much. maybe i was the one to make her unhappy in the first place. i don't know why this keeps happening. i don't want to make her unhappy and hurt anymore. please, Father, take charge of my relationships with people, especially with those dearest to me. i pray that these relationships are God-honouring and God-glorifying. only You can make it happen, Lord. only You can make these relationships i'm pursuing work out.. so i want to leave everything into Your hands... Please, Lord Father, help me, guide me... please.. i so desperately need Your help and guidance..

not good

2007-12-06T00:15:00.000+08:00

hmm.. life is not getting any better now that exams are all over. problems are still unresolved. FYP is still getting nowhere. youth camp is just round the corner. emotionally still unstable. i'm starting to doubt myself as a leader. this is not good. NOT GOOD. emotions are getting into me too much. TOO MUCH. it's getting the better of me. it shouldn't be this way. i want to be able to cope with my emotions. i don't want my emotions to be affecting the people around me, affecting my life so much. i want to be able to still do the things i need to do even when i'm very down. i used to think i was able to do it. i guess i thought too highly of myself. it's a lesson i haven't learnt.

God, help me learn this lesson!! help me to win victory over my emotions!!

三心二意

2007-11-24T00:31:00.000+08:00

唉，我早该知道会如此。我就知道当我看见她时，一定又会动心的。果然没错。现在又不舍得放手了。真是烦啊！为什么我总是那么三心二意，决定了的事又一直改呢？是我之前没有很好地想过吗？也许吧。或许不该那么快就作决定。需要更多时间去想，去祷告。以后在作决定时，不可以再那么冲动，没有充分地思想过就作决定。现在，真的不知道该怎么办了。对我来说，感情，真的不是要放就能放得下的。痴情，是好还是不好呢？我太痴情了吗？说得难听一点，应该说是固执吧。哈哈……

神啊！求你指教我，指引我的道路，光照我该做什么！救命啊！

哦，今天是滋婷的生日。生日快乐！嘿嘿……

放手咯?

2007-11-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

等了那么久，终于等到那一天的到来。那一天等到了，才发现，自己的感情也变了，变得有一点累，一点麻木了。感觉不再那么强烈了。是否应该放手了呢？用只剩下一半的感情去采取主动，不太对吧？不想再拖下去了。就放手吧！等了那么久，最后，也只是一场空？希望，我真的能够放得下……

torn apart

2007-11-15T16:33:00.000+08:00

man i'm thinking too much. how come when i have exams, it's so often that my emotional problems arise!? like my 'O's that time also. ughh..

hmm my heart is really torn apart. i don't know what to do. i don't understand how things are like this. how do i manage my current situation? managing relationships are so complex, cos it's not a one-sided thing. it takes two to build a relationship. it all seems to be one-sided from my side now. i wonder if anything'll come out of either. managing one deep relationship is already so hard, can i really take on another? must i really give up one to take up the other? it's so hard to let go. so so so hard for me.

Lord i know You've heard my prayers. i sort of know what You want, but i want to be sure. give me confirmations, Father. perhaps You want me to learn to let go of what is dearest to me, and know that You're in control, like how You tested Abraham's faith when You told him to offer up his son Isaac to You. strengthen my faith, Father. Lord, grant me the peace in You. the matters of my heart, i want to cast them all at Your feet, and leave them all to You. i just want to learn to rejoice in You! Holy Spirit, fill me, and constantly remind me to do all things for You and You alone! seek not anyone's favour, but Yours, Father. i really need You. i really need Your help and guidance. Help me, Father. Thank You. In Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

persevere!!

2007-11-12T21:42:00.000+08:00

man it's really hard. so hard trying to let go of something so dear. it's been a long time since i felt like this. a really long time. i just hope this time it won't take as long.. well, circumstances are different. the situation is different, and my relationship with God is stronger now! persevere on!! Aza aza fighting!!!

David and Jonathan

2007-11-12T12:59:00.000+08:00

1 Samuel 18

1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. 2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. 3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.

1 Samuel 20

1 Then David fled from Naioth at Ramah and went to Jonathan and asked, "What have I done? What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to take my life?"
2 "Never!" Jonathan replied. "You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn't do anything, great or small, without confiding in me. Why would he hide this from me? It's not so!"

3 But David took an oath and said, "Your father knows very well that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said to himself, 'Jonathan must not know this or he will be grieved.' Yet as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, there is only a step between me and death."

4 Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do for you."

5 So David said, "Look, tomorrow is the New Moon festival, and I am supposed to dine with the king; but let me go and hide in the field until the evening of the day after tomorrow. 6 If your father misses me at all, tell him, 'David earnestly asked my permission to hurry to Bethlehem, his hometown, because an annual sacrifice is being made there for his whole clan.' 7 If he says, 'Very well,' then your servant is safe. But if he loses his temper, you can be sure that he is determined to harm me. 8 As for you, show kindness to your servant, for you have brought him into a covenant with you before the LORD. If I am guilty, then kill me yourself! Why hand me over to your father?"

9 "Never!" Jonathan said. "If I had the least inkling that my father was determined to harm you, wouldn't I tell you?"

10 David asked, "Who will tell me if your father answers you harshly?"

11 "Come," Jonathan said, "let's go out into the field." So they went there together.

12 Then Jonathan said to David: "By the LORD, the God of Israel, I will surely sound out my father by this time the day after tomorrow! If he is favorably disposed toward you, will I not send you word and let you know? 13 But if my father is inclined to harm you, may the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away safely. May the LORD be with you as he has been with my father. 14 But show me unfailing kindness like that of the LORD as long as I live, so that I may not be killed, 15 and do not ever cut off your kindness from my family—not even when the LORD has cut off every one of David's enemies from the face of the earth."

16 So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, "May the LORD call David's enemies to account." 17 And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself.

18 Then Jonathan said to David: "Tomorrow is the New Moon festival. You will be missed, because your seat will be empty. 19 The day after tomorrow, toward evening, go to the place where you hid when this trouble began, and wait by the stone Ezel. 20 I will shoot three arrows to the side of it, as though I were shooting at a target. 21 Then I will send a boy and say, 'Go, find the arrows.' If I say to him, 'Look, the arrows are on this side of you; bring them here,' then come, because, as surely as the LORD lives, you are safe; there is no danger. 22 But if I say to the boy, 'Look, the arrows are beyond you,' then you must go, because the LORD has sent you away. 23 And about the matter you and I discussed—remember, the LORD is witness between you and me forever."

24 So David hid in the field, and when the New Moon festival came, the king sat down to eat. 25 He sat in his customary place by the wall, opposite Jonathan, [a] and Abner sat next to Saul, but David's place was empty. 26 Saul said nothing that day, for he thought, "Something must have happened to David to make him ceremonially unclean—surely he is unclean." 27 But the next day, the second day of the month, David's place was empty again. Then Saul said to his son Jonathan, "Why hasn't the son of Jesse come to the meal, either yesterday or today?"

28 Jonathan answered, "David earnestly asked me for permission to go to Bethlehem. 29 He said, 'Let me go, because our family is observing a sacrifice in the town and my brother has ordered me to be there. If I have found favor in your eyes, let me get away to see my brothers.' That is why he has not come to the king's table."

30 Saul's anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, "You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don't I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? 31 As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send and bring him to me, for he must die!"

32 "Why should he be put to death? What has he done?" Jonathan asked his father. 33 But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David.

34 Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the month he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father's shameful treatment of David.

35 In the morning Jonathan went out to the field for his meeting with David. He had a small boy with him, 36 and he said to the boy, "Run and find the arrows I shoot." As the boy ran, he shot an arrow beyond him. 37 When the boy came to the place where Jonathan's arrow had fallen, Jonathan called out after him, "Isn't the arrow beyond you?" 38 Then he shouted, "Hurry! Go quickly! Don't stop!" The boy picked up the arrow and returned to his master. 39 (The boy knew nothing of all this; only Jonathan and David knew.) 40 Then Jonathan gave his weapons to the boy and said, "Go, carry them back to town."

41 After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together—but David wept the most.

42 Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.' " Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town.

2 Samuel 1:26

26 I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women.

How great thy love between David and Jonathan! God, take control of all my relationships. I want all of my relationships to be based upon You, Lord. You are the only One that keeps our relationships with people strong. May my relationships with people be God-honouring. Thank You, for letting me feel a glimpse of how the love between David and Jonathan is like. Is this the David or Jonathan You have placed in my life? For now I think it is, but I just want to hand it all over to You. You are the source of all love! I pray You will make it work out. Thank You Father. I love You the most! In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

thank you everyone

2007-11-12T00:09:00.000+08:00

i'm going through a rough patch now, but i'm really glad i have many brothers and sisters who are there for me when i need them. i really feel so blessed. Lingling, Shuiting, brother, Zhuguo ge, Zeming, Sunmei, Aiqing jie, Weiqi, Jinhao, Huihui, Shuifeng jie, Ziting, Weicong, Cuixian jie, Michelle, Janet jie, and many others, including many in my cell.

i'm especially grateful for Lingling. the support she gives helped me very very much. her prayers, her being there for me, listening to me, etc.. the little things, it really helped me a lot. thanks sister. i'm really touched by what you did.

Shuiting, thanks for your encouragements, and the card. i'm really touched. i will work hard for my exams de. thanks for cheering me up.

Sunmei, thanks for listening to my problems and praying for me. you're a great sister to me.

Aiqing jie, thanks for your concern. it touched me when you told me though you're busy, you'll still make time for me.

as for the rest, thanks for the messages, the words of encouragement. it helps me a lot. really, in my times of need, you all have supported me. i'm touched by everything you've done for me. i thank God for bringing you to be there for me, to comfort me, to support me. i'm really thankful that there are really so many brothers and sisters who care for me.

i will jiayou de. For God, for myself, for all of you. i know i can do it, with God. i guess i need time. lots of it, to get through this. i will persevere on. i know i can do it, cos i have all of you supporting me too.

Thank You, Father, for bringing these angels into my life. Thank You very much.

maybe i'm beginning to see why you're my superhero...

2007-11-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

man, i'm really getting emotional recently. what's really so bad about it is when it starts affecting the people around me, especially those very close to me. i'm more or less able to get over most of the emotional problems within a couple of days, or just a couple of hours, with a touch from God. what i don't don't don't wish to happen is, my moments of depression affects you, and you get depressed too, and when i'm out of it, you're still depressed. i really hope that doesn't happen. i only want to infect you with joy, not sadness.

i think i'm starting to see why. why you're so important to me. why i think you're my superhero, in Zhuguo ge's words. i now see something in you, clearly, which probably is one of the things which made you my superhero.

and thanks, for trying to comfort me, trying to make me less depressed. i don't know if i'd made you depressed again, over my own depression. one thing you said really touched me. it meant so much to me. you said...

You'll be my David.

好饱! 好饱! 好饱! 好饱!...

2007-11-04T22:59:00.000+08:00

woah, had steamboat just now at Dongwei ge's house. soooo full. i ate like.. 5 bowls of rice!?!? lol. at first like very little rice, so Shuifeng jie ask if anyone else want more rice, and if got then she cook more rice. well, apparently i think only Huihui and i wanted more rice la. so there was another pot of rice sort of just for us lo. lol. so i kept eating and eating and eating, until i was damn full la. hahaha.. i think i almost ate a whole pot of rice(erm.. the pot isn't those normal size one la. is smaller size one..i'd be crazy to eat one whole pot of rice of those normal sized ones..) now still feeling pretty full. heh.. really thanks to Dongwei ge and Shuifeng jie for opening up their house for us to have a steamboat. i think it's such a nice thing of them. it's a service to us, you know, serving brothers and sisters in the kingdom of God, and i just feel that their serving us is so beautiful, and even more so as a couple's service to us. how nice right, husband and wife, serving together in the kingdom of God. i hope next time i can serve hand in hand together with my wife too, in the kingdom of God. :)

hmm.. yesterday i wrote a letter to someone very special to me. i spent 1.5 hours writing it lo. haha.. there was so much i wanted to write about, i even had a draft of the things i want to write in the letter. lols. i wrote till 2am lo.. but i just felt that i want to finish writing it, though originally i hadn't planned to give it to the person today. well, in the end i still gave it to the person today la. haha.. it was 3.5 pages long. man, i don't think i ever written anything so long in chinese before lo. duno if the person understands everything i've wrote, about how i feel la. i really hope the person does, even if not now, then sometime in the future. :)

thank God for today. God is good. :D

i worked on my project..

2007-11-03T10:41:00.000+08:00

for like 3 full days at least!?!? oh my.. and yesterday, i spent almost like from 11.30am to 12 midnight working on it with my group mates.. 12 MIDNIGHT!!! that's just crazy.. but praise the Lord, at the end of it, i managed to get my part to work. woohoo!! haha.. i do feel good about myself ya. ok though there's still quite a bit to touch up and work on, i guess the main bulk of the work is done. woah, one of the algorithms i had to think about really racked my brains man. i haven't done such deep thinking of how to solve such problems for some time ever since i graduated from JC i think.. haha.. great exercise for the brain eh..

hmmm.. last night while i was sleeping, i had a dream.. quite a bad dream i guess.. in the dream i dreamt of someone very dear to me, and some things happened in the dream, erm.. sort of like what i just went through, and i felt so worried and afraid again. the worry and fear felt so real, i awoke from my sleep, and the fear and worry just all came back to me. i almost felt like breaking down again. i prayed very hard, for God to release me from all this. i guess i was tired too, i fell asleep again, but would awaken soon after from the feelings of fear and worry, and pray again.. till i sleep, and then awaken again... man, how is it so so so so hard for me to let go of something.. i don't wish to be like this. i don't want to be feeling so fearful, so vulnerable, so insecure, not for anything, not even for those i love the most. i believe this is not what God wants for me. i believe all these negativity should not be present in Christian's lives. i guess, i really need a lot more time to get over this.. God, please help me!!

so that's what i was...

2007-10-31T00:37:00.000+08:00

a control freak. a CONTROL FREAK!!! oh my... yeah previously i mentioned i realised i was a bit too controlling, too restricting on the freedom of some of my sheep, and more so towards you. just now, through a talk with one of my very close sisters, i realised, i was simply a control freak!! i was so much more controlling than i'd thought i was!! i... i was just shocked at that revelation! i.. became scared of myself! how could i have become like this!?!? i've become a monster!?

yeah i do love you a lot, but how did i become a control freak to such a extent, and without even a slight realisation of it?? the restrictions i imposed on you in the name of good, in the name of love, that has gone over the line.. oh man.. so much for love gone wrong. i despise myself!!

i just hope it is not too late to make amendments. i hope the hurt that i've caused, can be healed. who can i blame but myself? no wonder you don't trust me, and don't confide in me anymore. if it was me, i'd be turned off too. i'll shut myself from me too. sorry i didn't put myself in your shoes and considered how you'd feel. i was just too obsessed with wanting to protect you. i'm terribly sorry. i've been too selfish. i'm so worried that you might make mistakes or get hurt that i tried to control your life just to make myself less worried. i've been thinking only for myself, yet i thought i was doing it for your good. my intentions may have been good, but i know the ways i did things were wrong. i'll change. i'll pray that God will give me the wisdom to know how to be a big brother to you, to guide you, not to control your life. i need to deal with myself. there is more to deal with in myself that i'd thought..

i pray in Jesus' name for the control freak in me to go away!! i cast out the control freak from me in Jesus' name!! never shall you cause any more harm or hurt to anyone in the name of love! that is not what love is. Lord Father, fill me with Your love, to know how to love others in the right ways. forgive me for doing things so selfishly. Lord change me, so that i can love others better. Renew me, Father. In Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

well.. at this point of time, probably you don't understand all that i've been saying, don't understand how i feel. you are, still young, afterall. i just hope that one day, you'll understand. all that i did for you, how much you mean to me, i pray that one day, you'll understand. i hope that day won't be too far..

现在心里又平息了

2007-10-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

最近这几天，心情起伏真是很大。很久没有这样了。也不记得以前有没有这样过。哈哈。想通了一些事情，所以觉得心里平静多了。意识到自己做得不好，过去太管制别人，包括你。真是对不起。我决定要改过。我一定要改过。为了你，为了大家，为了我自己。我会加油的！

希望明天不会又想太多负面的事，不会再陷入低落的情绪里面。感谢赞美主！

很辛苦...

2007-10-29T16:30:00.000+08:00

哇，为什么我要想这样多？觉悟了一些事，让我好难受。原来，可能你不信任我。甚至，你好象怕我。为什么呢？为何有时你好象很排斥我，不知道如何面对我？也许你永远都不能够了解我的心情，因为我自己也不明白为何会如此在乎你。这种爱不是男女之间的爱。友情的爱？亲情的爱？我不是很清楚，但我很清楚不是男女之爱。

我想是我把你管得太紧，让你觉得没有自由，所以你不愿和我分享你的事。我好像什么都要管，只因为我太关心你了。我得学习放手，让你有你自己的自由空间。对不起。因为我的太在意，让你受了伤。要放手，真的很难，但我必须学习，因为唯有这样你才会比较开心吧。也也许这样才不会让你这样怕我，不懂得如何面对我，不与我分享你的心情、你的问题。希望我有一天能够得到你完全的信任。希望那天不会太遥远。

so.. it's really about trust...

2007-10-29T02:34:00.000+08:00

wow it's my third post in.. duno how many hours. i guess a lot is going through my mind now... here's my thoughts now..

trust. what does it really take to gain someone's trust? i don't really know anymore. after all the time i've spent, i really thought i've gained the trust, but now i know, i haven't. though i truly care about you, all the things i do is all for your good, you probably don't see why you should trust me totally. well, quite sad at this realisation, but.. oh well.. i have to accept it. i just hope and pray, one day, you'll understand, just like what Zhuguo ge said to me. this love i had for you, for others too, i never understood why. Zhuguo ge says it's like the love between David and Jonathan.

"I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women." - 2 Samuel 1:26

the difference is that, the love between David and Jonathan, it's shared, and how beautiful such a love they shared. i wonder if we can share the love David and Jonathan did. i wonder if i'll find my David(i'm also named Jonathan, by the way).

God, i pray, that You'll bring David into my life. sorry i'm greedy, but i pray for many Davids. but then again, i don't know if i can endure the torment to go through the process to find even one David in my life. Lord i just pray, You'll take charge, of all my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts. just do what You deem best for me, like You've always done, and for me to follow in Your path. Thank You Father, in Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

how to help the teenagers to grow?

2007-10-28T23:36:00.000+08:00

well just now while i was taking my shower, i was thinking how to help the teenagers, or even anyone, to grow, to change, to mature. it seems the things i've done, isn't helping them very much. in my cell, i'd think that Sunmei is pretty mature, and it would seem to me that she is more mature than her average peers too. so i asked myself, what is it that made her more mature? the first thought that came to my mind was that, it's her grounding in the Word of God. it's her desire to want to know God more. it's the relationship with God.

i was reminded of one of the testimonies Pastor shared during the sermon today, that how regularly reading the Bible and praying changes people. i'm reminded of the testimonies by Pastor Zhang and his wife, of how praying changes people.

many times we are reminded that we need to focus on God, but yet we still fail to remember that. we fail to do it. all the activities, the events, we forget to involve God in the things we do. of course for new friends, activities and events are important too, but most importantly, we don't forget the existing sheep that we have. i guess i've failed in bringing my sheep before God. i didn't pray together with them enough, to read the Bible together with them enough. i didn't do enough to bring them back to the presense of God, and let God minister to them, to help them grow, to mature in their thinking. sorry, but i think the teenagers have a lot to learn, and much to mature in their thinking. i really don't know how to help them change their mindset, or their way of thinking. i think only God can do that. so let's let God do it. i just need to bring them before God. maybe just regularly praying together with them, reading the Bible together with them, will be good enough...

God, i pray that all these that You've impressed upon my heart now, i will remember it, and put it to action. remind me that i am nothing. i am capable of nothing, but You can accomplish all things! Lord, just use me as a vessel to bring them to You. may everything i do, is to bring people back to You, before You. no matter are they new friends, or Christians. for new friends, i just want to bring them to know You. for Christians, i just want to bring them before You, so You can minister to them, and for them to know You more, to desire You more. Lord Father, impress this deeply into my heart, my soul, that in everything i do, i do it with this in mind. i thank You Father, for listening to my prayers. i pray this, in Jesus' precious name. Amen!

Thank You Father

2007-10-28T20:34:00.000+08:00

I'm glad most of the problems are over. at least, the biggest problem is over. and i'm really glad to know that there are many brothers and sisters who are concerned for me, especially Lingling, Huihui, Janet jie, Shuifeng jie. your words and prayers helped me a great deal. i hope after this incident, things get better, relationships strengthened, wisdom gained.

there're still some matters that i'm still worried about la, but i wanna learn to trust God that everything is in His control, and that everything happens for a good purpose. these few days, i also realised that maybe i don't understand teenagers very much, or even at all. well, it seems they don't understand me also. i pray for wisdom to be able to communicate effectively with these teenagers. i really do care about them very much, but when they have problems, they don't tell me. am i really that scary? i just want to know what's going through in your lives, and if there's any problems you all face, i wanna do my best to help, or give advice, or for you all to learn something. i don't know what does it take to gain your trust, or anything for that matter, for you all to open up and share your feelings, problems, or anything with me. perhaps i do need to spend more time with you all. sorry that for the past months, i'm unable to commit more time for you all. studies, ministry, and other stuff take up my time that i simply is unable to give more time to you all. i hope after my exams, i can spend more time with you all, build on the relationship, and get to know you all better, and know how to communicate with you all better.

i really hope there'll be a day when you all will be willing to share your problems and feelings with me. i hope for the day to come soon where you all can put your trust in me. maybe i'm not ready now too, to share your problems. perhaps i'm not wise enough. i pray that when the day comes, i'll be ready, and know how to help you all through your tough times. well, even if that day doesn't come, i just pray that all of you will grow mature enough to handle your own problems, that you all will entrust yourselves fully to God, cause He will guide your paths.

oh Lord, strengthen my faith to know that even when they don't share their problems with me, You are there to help them. Help me to trust that You will send someone to help them. I pray that i'll know how to be a good servant in Your kingdom. May You bless all the people around me, especially the sheep You entrusted in my care. I love them, just as how You love them too Lord. I'm willing to give my life for them, as Jesus You did for me, and for them. May You use me to be a blessing to others. Thank You Father, for loving me and never deserting me. All these i pray, in Jesus' mighty name. Amen!

心很伤，很痛。太伤，太痛

2007-10-26T11:28:00.000+08:00

oh Lord, i can't even sleep properly now. i close my eyes and i dream of the problems i'm facing. i wake up in the middle of my sleep so fearful, i can't go back to sleep. Please, do not forsake me Father. Please, don't ever leave my side.. I need You..